to make me ME...

In the December issue of Real Simple, ladies submitted their New Years resolutions. One said she wouldn't do anything different, because it is her flaws that make her who she is.

I do not want my life to ever be defined by my flaws, by the negative, by my mistakes and regrets. I am only 26 and to give up on myself would be... sad. I mean there is something to be said about accepting yourself for who you are, but I don't know if I will ever give up challenging myself to grow.

To Move Forward
I was given this exercise and thought it was more thought provoking that simply making new year's resolutions. It involves a 6 step process (it is much easier than it sounds).

Step 1
List your accomplishments- big and small
* I had a hard time with this step. My list is tiny, just 5 things.*
-cleaned out our storage unit and saved $120 a month for the whole year!
-let go of "skinny clothes" and broken things from the move(s)
-made my Rigby healthy
-bought MichMansion
-donated 13 inches of my hair

Step 2
List what gave you pleasure this year
*the fun part*
-twins (on my list 4 different times)
-coloring books
-Mom
-Dad
-Rigby purring
-Geochaching
-short hair
-taking pictures
-Abbey's pretty eyes and sweet cuddles
-vacation to the Hill Country
-tubing
-Christi
-Rob and Melissa (especially Mel)
-shark train!!
-a clean house
-Mexican Friday
-Grammy's chocolate ice cream
-my new Christmas tree
-working lights in my bathroom
-cardinal family in MY backyard
-blogging

Step 3
List disappointments, unfulfilled expectations, thwarted intentions, sources of displeasure
-not knowing where I am going in life
-the house buying process
-home repair decisions
-traffic
-getting sick & hurt and using all my PTO
-not seeing Christi more often
-not calling Jeni every week
-my cooking "skills"
-did not get promotion
-gained back all the weight I lost in '08
-stress
-unfinished projects around MichMansion
-bored with work and life

Step 4
Who do I need to forgive and for what
*I'll keep these private*

Step 5
Who do I need to thank and for what
-my parents are awesome friends to David and me. I love spending every Friday night with them and most weekends. They take care of us, and give us wisdom and help in every way possible. This year has been the best year with them, getting to know them and I have enjoyed them more than I can say.
-I have wonderful friends, who I am not always as good of a friend to. I am horrible about making plans and calling. But they are always there for me when I need them, can always make me laugh, make me feel better about myself and my life.
-David. He is a hard worker. I give him a hard time sometimes, but he does alot for our family. He runs errands, makes calls and takes care of my sweet kitties.

Step 6
Any last thoughts about 2009
-this was a big, stressful year for me and David. I really believe 2010 is going to be a smoother, less stressful year. And I really want to spring clean my life. I want to start new this year. Too long have I been struggling, it is time for renewal.

And there you have it, the abridged version. Some thoughts for the New Year...

1919...

Ninety years ago my sweet (and sassy) MeeMaw was born.

She wasn't born in a hospital.

The house she was born in didn't have electricity.

And she never had a birthday party! Ever!

Until her 90th birthday!

Saturday was MeeMaw's birthday, and she would have been happy to simply let it go unnoticed with a quiet family get together as we usually do. But seriously? Ninety? So my parents and aunts and uncle planned a little party for MeeMaw and her friends.

We all got up early Saturday and headed over to move furniture and work on "the flow." (word of the day) All the little ladies from her bible class came over about 11am. The family got together after the birthday party for a family lunch of fajitas... mmmmm.

It was such a happy day. But I found myself tearing up (I am doing it right now too). I missed my PawPaw, I wished he could be here, that David could have met him, that he could have seen the twins. So I tried to get off that line of thinking and then we started taking pictures, and seeing MeeMaw with the twins just touched me. I am so thankful for her, I am so thankful she is healthy and a firecracker. I would love for MeeMaw to be around another ninety years.

Ok. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.

Precious right?

** It was sunny this weekend!! ahhh! So the kitties took advantage....

And so did I. I am learning photography, on a film using camera. This is challenging to me, more than I thought I would. I want that instant gratification of seeing the shot right away. We went to the park and took some photographs.

My first assignment was bracketing- taking the same shot 3 or more different times to see which settings are right. I got some pretty good shots, some that I would like to get digitized.

I still have lots to learn, but I love doing it. This isn't something that comes natural to me, grumble. But the feel of the camera in my hands is nice, and I really like looking at the world a different way.

In someways that is what writing is to me, showing the world in a different point of view.

it feels like years since its been here...

SUN!
We have sun today! I am doing a little dance! It is just what I needed.

I was so down this week, and stressed. And last night finally feel like we made some progress... and kinda did a little retail therapy, and had a great meal.

*Presents- check

*New cardigans for me- check (I wear cardigans almost everyday of the week and I wear them down to pilly, faded, shrunken disasters. I always need more cardigans.) Thank you BananaPet.

*Pronto- tried it for the first time and I really liked it. (and I dont really care for italian food. I know. Ironic.)


Per my wise mother, who supports me daily...

“Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It's not a day when you lounge around doing nothing; it's when you've had everything to do, and you've done it.”

Margaret Thatcher

And I do. Getting some things off my list made me feel supremely satisfied and has cleared the fog (LITERALLY!) to let in my holiday cheer!!

never say never...

It's never to cold for

:: icecream. And thankfully Bluebell agrees and we get peppermint this time of year!

:: flipflops. I did in fact run around town the snow day with my flips.

:: heat in the car to be on in the dashvents. Heat is for feet, floor vents only please!

But I would like to have a little word about our weather pattern lately. Gloomy much? It puts me in THE Worst Mood Ever.

I know what would put me in a good mood... balloon ride! I am dying to go on the balloon ride in Discovery Green. I seriously contemplated taking this Friday off to go ride it when the tickets are cheaper... sad.

I am behind on Christmas shopping. So so behind. Tonight and tomorrow night afterwork David and I are going to finish our shopping. I guess everyone realises a week from today is Christmas Eve Eve, it's coming fast this year.

David is done with school for the semester. He is free from now till January 19th! So he is going to be working on MichMansion non stop, as part of my Christmas present and our goal to finish some projects before the New Year.

and I will conquer the world...

This Bird Can Sing

It is not much of a secret that my job is not a career I set out looking for. I am indeed happy for a job when many are without. And yet there is a quiet sadness that I am not following my heart towards a creative path.

However, after some encouragement I have signed up to take a fiction writing workshop with Inprint. It will begin after the first of the year. I will be expected to turn in pieces throughout the 10 week workshop, so I am going to spend the next couple of months brainstorming.

I have been asked where I get inspiration. I don't know. I am always writing. (I really hope this doesn't sound skitzophrenic) My mind is always writing, 100% of the time. I leave a dictaphone in my car to catch little poems or starts to stories that seep out while driving.

True magic just happens. I have a little orchestra in my head, we file into the concert hall. I, the conductor, tap tap tap at the music stand. We, the musicians, take a soft deep breathe in... With a swift falling gloved hand --blowing of horns, singing of strings, beating of drums begin all at once! And I the conductor take my pen and jot it down. Ok sometimes it is just noise, yet others are beautiful, spontaneous and free pieces of art. That is what it is like in my head, um somewhat metaphorically, hopefully this doesn't sound like I hear voices.
If I can corral the noise, I can hear art.

Readers!

If you love reading, you have to read Larry McMurtry's Walter Benjamin at the Dairy Queen. Even if you don't like westerns at all. If you are from Texas, or ever had the dream of having a library with floor to ceiling books and one of those library ladders... it will impress you. He talks about his life, but also his love for reading and books, and it changed the way I saw reading.

A few months ago I mentioned I wanted to finish a book. I was unable to quiet my mind enough. I really think (here goes the crazy again) the devil was trying to suppress my happiness. But last week I read my book.
The Road- Cormac McCarthy

It has been called his most accessible book, and I agree. It was very easy to read. It would be a great start into Cormac's style which can be difficult to get used to. I've had it for years now, just waiting to read it. It was special, as Cormac seems to be.

Now I am working on

The Harafish- Naguib Mahfouz

Review to come...

I apologize for the self indulgent last two posts.

give me 26 soldiers of lead...

My Path to the Pen

(or keyboard)

I have something in me. An idea or a feeling or hope. I am a writer. It isn't something you grow up to be, not a profession. You are born a writer. I was born a writer.

I did not love books from the time I was born. In fact I actually hated to read and my mother would make me read to her just to get me to read for school. I don't know why, that seems strange to me now. (It was dormant.) However in the 2nd grade when asked what I wanted to be "when I grow up" I (in)famously said "A poetess." It was in me even then.

The first book I really read, like really read and felt my pulse race and eyes widen and got excited about, was in 9th grade. I'm a late bloomer. Lonesome Dove. This is humorous that I could go from hating to read to choosing to read a 1000+ page book. But it stirred and woke the something in me. I became changed by this book, characters died (sorry to ruin it) and there were flawed heros. That blew my mind. Up to then I was "reading" The Baby Sitters Club. The Hardy Boys and The Boxcar Children.

It only took me a moment to decide I had to write, I wanted to be a writer. It took reading Cormac McCarthy. His words, his style... I mean he didn't accept grammatical rules, he just wrote and chose words gracefully and so particular.

Ok, I could really go overboard here, but basically somewhere along the way, special writing courses in high school and college I knew that I was already a writer.

Part 2...

you know the feeling...

Last week was a sucky week. (so sucky that no other word can describe it other than sucky)

lowlights:

Stupid headaches. I found my secret cure to my headaches, Bendaryl. Magic relief for me. At work I am trying to combat drugged with caffeine iv which equals = looney. (ie trying to drink from a stapler...)

I burnt my hand. (eyeroll) I have never been scalded before and hope to never be scalded ever again. Thanks to David's first aid training, no blister as of yet.
Western Washington? My old nemesis? Has Houston been the most gloomy city in the world lately or what? Dear Sun, It's me Analee. Come Back.
Ok, so maybe it doesn't sound sucky on paper. But it was.
Midtone
I also planned a baby shower for my friend Melissa at work. It was on Friday, the snow day. Thursday night I was trying to bake brownies and cupcakes with my wounded hand. It was the blind leading the blind trying to get David to frost cupcakes. (men and women think differently...)
Luckily I had finished my diaper cake on Wednesday night. I think for the budget I was allotted it turned out fairly cute.

This week is shaping up to follow suit...
The dreaded party is this week. Thursday I work 730am- 9..10pm... who knows. sigh
Wouldn't it be nice for my big monthly project to be due on the same day as this party? Lovely.
Gloom. The gloom is still here. I need Vitamin D or I am going to be grumpy forever.

Snow Day

Friday was a bright spot. I got to leave early because of the snow.