How strange

How strange it is to be anything at all. —Alice


It is silliness to try and plot the points of your life.  Paths wind and bend and turn back onto themselves.

The last few months have been strange.
I quit my new job
David quit his job
David got a new job
I'm unemployed... by choice, sort of

I quit my job because it just wasn't a good fit, which sounds like an interview answer but is the truth. I could have stayed and been miserable for probably a year and kept a responsible looking resume but really what is the point of that?

During the week I was contemplating quitting David had a networking meeting, liked the guy and stumbled into an interview. I quit and a day later David accepted a new job. We were quiet and just listened and felt like this is where we were being guided.

So, what's been going on since February?
Well when you wait your whole life for something and you get it and it isn't what you wanted and you are so so tired and don't have healthcare and don't know how you will pay for car repairs and sit alone in the house where thoughts aren't drowned out my coworkers and work calls...

Things, feelings, crept up on me I wasn't expecting. I slipped. Found myself dealing, again, with depression and anxiety leading me to an unhealthy place.

Right now the best thing for me is to take care of myself and figure out what I want and practicing a little (LOT) of self-care. So I'm not working. And not listening to my inner voice telling me I am lazy, meditating to the idea of freedom - flying in a light blue sky, the kind with wispy brushed clouds - practicing yoga, slowly pealing back some protective layers and trying to remember what Analee used to want and like and laugh about.


It is a wonder how anything happens. Big things and small things are all equal parts random and fate.

Acknowledge It

Geez it is well into 2014 so I probably should acknowledge it at some point.

2013 Last year I took a post it and wrote the following:

Stay Grateful 
Change 
Just DO IT 

I couldn't have picked more encouraging words to guide my year. This is my fifth year looking back at each year and they are one of my favorite posts to reread over and over. I learn so much about myself.

1  accomplishments big and small
    *celebrated my 30th birthday
    *started drinking coffee
    *got a promotion
    *quit my job
    *got a new job

2  pleasure
    *Brynn Leigh Beth ♥ 
    *camping, hiking, breathing fresh air
    *vacationing with my parents
    *Kazoozles
    *Abbey's sweet kisses and tiny stampy feet
    *Rigby's wet chin and new nickname "Boogie"
    *Our friend Wheels
    *listening to B&D tell me stories
    *garden FINALLY survived
    *garlic press - where has this been all my life?
    *restaurant obsession of the year: Zoe's
    *candy obsession: RS Iddy Biddy Bunnies/Santas
    *road trips with Dp
    *youtube vlogs on the ipad

3  hurts and disappointments
    *Epicly Evil Earache
    *professional struggles
    *surrounded by illness and pain
    *giving up Montana
    *losing sight of the important
    *too busy to enjoy life, to nurture myself
 
4  forgiveness
    This might be the first year in a long time I don't feel guilty about not being enough for my family and
    friends. I am what I am.

5 thankful
   I have so much good in my life. a safe home, a family that takes care of me, friends that put up with me, a
   mind that allows me to amazing things that surprise even me.

Last thoughts
I wanted 2013 to be more than the last 4 four years. I set grand goals, and pretty much set myself up for failure. Because I was trying to impress something outside myself. When I stopped listening to what everyone out there said I should be my path became easier to spot.

Those three words on a paper kept me grounded, inspired and willing to ditch the fear and move on. Who wants to be trapped in the muck? I just want to keep going, see more sunsets, crunch leaves and gravel under my feet, find my voice and write, take care of myself and my family. I'm not quite done.



 Looking back:  2009  2010  2011  2012

MidJuly

I had a realisation this morning
I have to reveal 26 confessions in 5 days?!
Wait I'm turning 30 in 5 days?!
And realising I didn't plan this well.
And realised I still haven't done our anniversary post or worked on a special creative project I swore I'd finish in July or vacuumed the pink bedroom that was supposed to be done at the end of June.

Confession No 5
I am a great employee. I do my job well, I always look for ways to improve the products my team produces, and I actually care about my work.
But when it comes to myself... I have horrible follow through. I can't finish a single, flippin thing that I would consider to be "more important than work".

You know all those things that make you who you are, that enrich and nourish you? I think that is called taking care of yourself. Those are the things I suck terribly at.

But getting a report turned in on time, producing more than any team has ever produced in the history of research productionary producing, and stressing about taking 4 hours off to go to the dentist. I'm amazing at that.

Keeping my house tidy
Fresh meals on the table
Finding new music and concerts and art exhibits and local theater
Caring for my body
Drawing in my art journal
Pleasure reading and writing
Time alone to just sit and be quiet

I haven't done any of these things in ages.

a salad fork in the road

I've been thinking a lot about direction and purpose lately.
Where do I belong, and what is my purpose - not what my peers find purpose in, but uniquely my path.

It is so hard to know who to listen to, what to listen to.
I feel so strongly that I need to be a writer and maybe a journalist. But something holds me back.

When I was younger, I didn't want to be just like my dad.
Getting older I'm certain, I would be lucky to be just like my dad.

there comes a time

In a woman's life there are milestones, markers, that signal growth and change.
First lipgloss
First boy/girl birthday party
First date

Some recent milestones:

I drank coffee. Twice! I think this means I am a grown up. David is very proud of me, and monday I brought in my coffee to work and he said "were the people at work proud of you too?"

Mattress day mattress day everyone get excited it is mattress day! Our mattress is crap. Dead. The edging on one side completely collapsed a while ago. We've been "living with it" but in the last four or five months the need for a new mattress has become immediate. I'm not sure Dp and I have had a good night's rest in ages.
When we went to Arkansas to meet Brynn Leigh, we slept on an air mattress. Best sleep in months. An air mattress.

New Mattress was an investment we couldn't put off any longer. For two hours we laid on every mattress in the store and settled on one we both liked. This evening we get New Mattress!!!

You know you've been married a long time when you start re-buying things you bought when you were first married.




Opposite end of the grown up spectrum:
I still use my baby blanket my grammy made me.
It is the perfect weight for Houston summers. And living with a blanket hog, this is my blanket that no husband can steal in the middle of the night, my back up plan.

Mom had everyone take pictures of their baby blankets grammy embroidered for her mother's day gift. These pictures of pristine blankets poured in, and then there was my sad blanket. worn. unrecognisable.

I'm 30 years old (ish) and I love this blanket. And ain't nothin' ever gonna change about that!






ps- this was my picture for grammy, blanket maybe worn but it shows how much I lurve it.

2012 - unbalanced

if balance is the goal in life
2012 was unbalanced - we were focused on survival and it left very little brain space for living a well rounded life. But we made it through a tough year. Maybe 2012 should be known as the year of resilience



1- accomplishments big and small
*maybe I didn't DO a lot this year, but I have to acknowledge that I carried my little family forward through financial uncertainty, unemployment, and all around struggles. I know that I can take care of my family no matter what, and that is slightly empowering.

2-  pleasure
* #1 happy thoughts are my baby bears, love my shmushies. Love spooning with Rigby, baths with Abbey, and fishy/bunny/mousie presents by the bed every morning.
* Wheels - so happy she has gained weight and loves to sleep on our porch
* Pedicures with Mommy
* Talking shop with Daddy
* Opportunity for DP
* Rain!
* Twin Time
* Sister time
* Recently I noticed I have stopped calling Michael my brother in law. He is my brother. He married me (like officiated... he didn't marry marry me... ewww), gave me two nephews AND a niece, we get each other's humor, he gave MeeMaw the most beautiful memorial, and gets along with David. I'm so lucky to have such a great BIL.
* Fire pit
* Camping
* Mam's
* Niece! can't wait for her to get here

3- hurts
* financial struggles
* feeling off course and confused
* feeling isolated
* feeling unable to provide for my family

4 - forgiveness
Somehow I always ask forgiveness for the same thing - not being more for people. I want to be there for my friends and my family. However, I am also realizing I am too hard on myself. All my friends and family cut me slack, but I need to cut ME some slack and wriggle free of my web of "shoulds" that is, at times, paralyzing.

5 - thankful
This has been a difficult year in which to feel thankful. When you don't have enough, and can't see answers to prayers or peace in the storm. 2012 has taught me that you can survive with less, that there is good in everyday, and gratitude is a skill. I've had to work at finding my grateful heart, but as I have focused on the everyday good things more and more good has come to me.

6- Last thoughts about 2012
Not sure if the year was truly that difficult or if it was two difficult years in a row that made 2012 feel exhausting. Which ever, I am very happy it is over and actually excited about 2013. So many good things on the horizon!

Even with the inevitable dissapointments ahead, I am determined to grow, stay grateful, and be honest about what makes me happy and just do it. Going on adventure to find myself.



Looking back: 2009   2010   2011

attitude adjustment

When you were a grumpy kid being sassy and pouty, did your mom tell say "You need an attitude adjustment" ? My mom used to say that all the time.  In fact we weren't allowed to watch Beverly Hills Teens (which was like Jem + Archie in an 80's cartoon) cause the kids were too sassy.

Mom hasn't told me I need an attitude adjustment in years, but I need one.

I get so overwhelmed trying to impress David's family. I just want them to like me and I never feel like I've made it into the fold. I over compensate by over planning and trying to make Christmas "special" because I know it is Gill's favorite holiday. I plan elaborate meals, outings, devotionals, activities - anything to get positive attention. In the end I become grumpy and pouty because I'm worn out and didn't enjoy the holiday because I'm too worried about the Special Factor.

Yesterday David informed me that his cousins are coming to Houston for a couple days.
I freaked out. How are we going to adjust our plans and where will everyone go and how will we feed them and I don't have any activities planned for kids and and and.

I emailed my mom venting how I don't know how I am going to deal with added complexity of more people. 
She responded:
"His cousins are so good to make the effort to come down."

Mommy, in the nicest way possible, told me I need an attitude adjustment. Of course I didn't see it that way. Here I am using a holiday to try and earn brownie points with in-laws when I'm missing the whole point. I'm Martha.

³⁸ As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. ³⁹ She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. ⁴⁰ But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
⁴¹ “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, ⁴² but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
Luke 10:38-42


But it is so easy to defend Martha.
Martha is a doer, she knows that if she isn't in the kitchen dinner isn't going to get cooked. I guess I still haven't fully grasped the "what is really important" lesson.

Even typing this, knowing that I've totally messed up and need to change my perspective I'm still sweating (literally) cause the pie isn't done and it is too rainy to pull of the birthday party I planned for Andy and after days of Dp sanding the bathroom door still won't close...

14 before '14

When I turned 10 years old my dad sat me on the couch and asked me how it felt to be a decade old and what have I learned in a decade. So when I turned 20 I thought of that day, little baby Analee sitting on the couch with legs swinging back and forth. Ten years is a long time.

Have you heard of the 30 before 30? A bucket list of experiences to complete before you turn 30, a "last hurrah".  The number 30 doesn't bother me, but another decade has gone by and looking back at 20 year old Analee seems just as far away as 10 year old Analee.

A birthday is a great opportunity to reevaluate the years past. What did 20 year old Analee want to do that she never did, and maybe she made some mistakes that can be cleaned up. Well I realized that I don't have a whole year to do 30 things before my 30th birthday... I have 6 months. Out of nowhere 29.5 snuck up on me.

Below is my 14 before 2014 list - part bucket list, part new years resolutions, part Analee cleaning house list.  I've been in hibernation mode for most of my 20s and it is time for me to start living, growing and doing things. (mom - sorry about #7) What an opportunity to put a deadline on a few dreams, and light a fire under my butt to fix things I need to fix.

I'm giving myself one year to complete these 14 tasks. I am going to ask for help, I am going to be patient and kind to myself and I'm going to the Rose Bowl Parade!

sunday truths

It is Sunday - and I want to be at church.

The human mind is some kind of complex thing. I wonder how I am. What happened to me to hate tomatoes? And love animals? Is my house cluttered because of some childhood experience?

I don't understand how but I know I would be in a pew right now if I wasn't so dang afraid to leave my house. If the thought of people asking me questions about my life didn't trigger a pervasive armpit sweat like you've never seen. If the shame of not having been to church in a year didn't weigh me down and lifting my feet was too heavy for my heart to bear.

Can God understand anxiety? And shame?

I don't know why, but I still have hope that one day I won't be a complete mess. I'll be able to be myself around real, live, not digital, in the flesh people. I'll be able to be comfortable in my choices, my quirks, all the stuff that makes me different. I'll be able to feel light. And be happy with not being The Same.

But until then, I pray wanting to be at church is enough.
Cause I'm trying God. I am.

500

suggested soundtrack for this post

Happy 500th post to me and my readers!

I had thought 5 years blogging was a pretty fantastic but 500 has a heafty ring to it. Blogging has become such an important part of my life, cathartic and a chronicle of our daily life. I frequently like to play the game, what was I doing on this day in 200?.  Reflecting on the past has pushed me to grow and accept some pain and relive joy and strive for peace.

I wish I had been able to be honest when I first began blogging. I really thought if I didn't have a funny story to tell I shouldn't say anything. Everyday has a story to tell. Every life is exciting and different and worth remembering.

It crossed my mind to try a give-away in honor of my 500th post. But I decided wanting more readers and people to share in my excitement of this "event" was just vanity. If the blog isn't important to another soul, that is fine. It is my body of work. With typos and random thoughts, embarrassing stories, tears, giggles.

When life was dark and I couldn't write as a craft I was able to blog. I may not have poems or a novel but this is my body of work. (thanks Tia)

Cheers to my recorded life.

MY TOP 5 FAVORITE POSTS!

MichMansion - 7/16/2009

What a fun announcement. I'm the worst about not letting myself get excited things. So I agonized over getting the house. Dreaming of getting to post this blog and have it official. After being a nomad for the entirety of the blog to that point, putting down roots was so important. And we still love our little MichMansion.

One down, 60 to go - 7/02/2006

Poor David. He says all the time "this is going on the blog isn't it?" He says that because of this post. Or maybe this one. It kinda sums up our relationship. And still one of my favorite posts.

David (DP) has had to suffer through blogging for 500 posts. It might be interesting to see how many mention him....

Two on 2/22 - 2/22/2008

I have never been more proud than to post these first pictures of the twins. Babies kept coming into the nursery and we waited and waited and finally these itsy bitsy little things rolled out with Michael behind them, beaming. Little old men.

I love Dylan and Brody so much. I love being their auntie and wish I could spoil them everyday.

Holt Street - 3/21/2011

This is an unmatched outlet. I worked through losing MeeMaw and grieving her with this blog and Frosty Floats. I don't know if I could have healed without the cathartic explosions of depressing posts.

Our entire family tackled losing this sweet woman through blogging. Leah and Tia and my mom we all could share our little memories that will stay preserved. I don't want to go back and remember the sadness but I can go back and remember her strength and our families love and perseverance. It was a beautiful and sad and transformative year for me.

touch for the first time - 4/5/2010

I changed my blog title a while ago to In Progress cause that is me, always working on myself to just be better. I have some other posts that really bring that home. But for some reason this post really strikes me as the person I want to be.

Set a goal.

Achieve the goal.

Delight in life.

Delight in life some more.

Too often I get caught up in what I am not. And what I should do and should look like and how I should act. It gives me anxiety and social issues and I miss the point so often.

Life is to enjoy.

*dp enjoyed the 3bro cupcake

plenty of regrets

MAY 31 2012

*optional soundtrack for today's post*


some people say you should live life with no regrets.
i guess that means they do whatever they want when they want
as much as that sounds appealing

i have regrets
and i dont think they are a bad thing

we make decisions with the information we have at the time
sometimes i make good ones
sometimes i make bad ones

the little things that nag at me
something i said
what i did
and why i did it

they all point to what i need to pay attention to in the future when making decisions



It seems like a long time ago, but I had the opportunity to take a writing workshop with University of Montana, a maymester course. I didn't do it. No singular good reason, just fear. I didn't know anyone, how would I get around, where would I live, how would we pay for this, what if I'm not a good writer and fail miserably.
I was afraid.
It was a big mistake. A huge regret of mine.

My sophomore year I decided I wanted to leave ACU and go to UofH to study creative writing. I was accepted into the program and went through orientation. I left my appointment where I signed up for classes and I was afraid. I didn't do it. No singular good reason, just fear and listening to what others wanted for me.
It was a big mistake. I never should have gone back to Abilene.
I regret this move more than any other so far in my life.



but clearly i'm regretting denying my gifts
i regret mostly trying to force myself into something i know instinctively
does not fit me

do you ever buy a garment even though
you dont like it
it doesn't fit
it is not your style
but it's cheap?
do you ever really wear that jacket or those pants, that top? Nope.

if it feels wrong now
chances are it is wrong


I have regrets
And they guide me where I need to be
And teach me how not to make decisions
- don't live by fear
- listen to your instincts
- you can't deny your true self

This is a pretty good road map.

it WILL be ok

*optional soundtrack for today's post


We want what we want when we want it without out mayo and tomatoes.

A couple of weeks ago we were having unseasonable warm weather and people groaned because it is January. But a month ago when it was cool the same people groaned because it was "too cold". Either we complain about no seasons or the change in seasons, no matter what it is never just right.

Change is like that.
Some changes are painful, push and tug at you.
Some changes are slow and natural.
Some changes are violent.
Some changes are exciting and welcomed after celebratory dinners and hopefully cake.

It would be nice if all change was easy and desired, but most change is difficult.

This week I expected to be struggling with the pain of missing MeeMaw, especially today. Yet, I am surprised with the peace of today. I miss her a lot-- MeeMawisms, and MeeMaw treats, MeeMaw news and MeeMaw smell.

Something about her death changed me.
I watched her fight and desire life so intently. And I listened to her wisdom while she faced death.
Timing is something I am not good at but God is. I lost MeeMaw a year ago, but gained a part of myself. And I will never go back to fearing life. I will always desire and fight for a good life, be fearless of change, and take advantage of time.

She told me over and over not to be sad as her little body gave out, that everything will be ok.

And it is.
Everything is not the same.
But everything is ok and just as it should be.

el fin

at the end of 10 I knew
knew 11 would be
heavy
uphill
a war
the desert

wating it out
and 12 is finally here
finally

and 12 knows it has to make up for
hurt
loss
struggle

1- accomplishments big and small
* January 2010 I told my self, this was the last time but I would try to convince ACU to let me finish my last 5 classes in Houston. It took 6 months of work, and digging up the past, tears and simply begging. Not sure why but it was the right time, the right person and in January 2011 I began my last semester knowing it was practically suicide.

I did it. An accomplishment so big it almost deserves a chapter of its own. It is life changing. Not tangibly, I still have the same job, but it is the start to letting go of too much baggage and pain. I'm sure I achieved other things, big and small but this dwarfs any successful meatballs or finished crafts.

I didn't just graduated, I woke up. I'm not the same person I would have been if I had graduated on time, and I'm not the same person as I was last year. I'm new.

2-  pleasure
* When all else is dark and too much, my kitties are always there, cold ears, wet noses, snuggles and hugs.
* Family - family was always important, but somehow it is more important. mommy, daddy, tia, michael, twins...
* Leah- nothing, nothing can replace a sister.
* Russ Pitman
* If not now, when?
* New babies, Oliver and Cori
* Ice cream in the RAIN
* New pants
* Marble Falls yellow curry
* JoJo

3- hurts
* Too.Much.Loss
* Sick is easier when drs tell you what it is, instead I keep adding new symptoms to "normal" and hoping they in fact "just go away"

4 - forgiveness
I need to forgive a couple of people.
But I am asking for forgiveness from friends i've neglected, family i haven't thanked. i haven't called, written, given or cared enough for the people around me. I'm sorry.

5 - thankful
I'm not even aware of all the people who have prayed for me, and my family, and david's family. I've appreciated all thoughts, facebook comments, texts and prayers. Even when I've been a silent friend, a selfish daughter, missing member and overall unavailable this year. I'm not to pleased with how carelessly I have gone through this year. Thank you.

6- Last thoughts about 2011
Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary. Isaiah 40:31

I'm waiting. Since 2010 I have been in survival mode, and after so long how does one still have hope on January 1st for a great year? I guess it is possible we have made it out of the shadows, I guess it is possible 2012 could be dull and it is also possible that 2012 will be bring new strength.

Hope everyone has a 2012 worth blogging about.



2009   2010

reissued

i think i am ready to re-assimilate back into society. i had a little bit of a freak out.

one day i woke up and realised i didn't recognise me. i had become an anxious, scared, sad person. a single world weighed on me - OBLIGATED. i think they call that burnout, a deep heavy dissatisfaction with every moment of my life.

of course there are good things and happy moments but not a one because of me. i was trying force myself into a mold. somehow in my head not fitting in = something is wrong with me = i'm not good enough.

it is exhausting.

so i just stopped all contact. yes, i understand that is "running away". but i am beginning to feel more like myself, a part of me is awakening and doesn't want to be stuffed away where others can't see. EVEN IF i'm not a good enough christian, or wife, or worker, or thin enough, smart enough. EVEN IF i don't want to be a mother, or a chef, or a crafter...

silly as it may be i was trying to earn people's friendship and love. until someone said to me "people couldn't possibly be your friend because you are interesting, fun or witty, right? they are just friends for the stuff." when she said it back to me it sounded stupid.

where have i been? being selfish for the first time in a long time. i do what i want and i don't make plans cause i like that feeling. i'm not sure where i go from here. i guess i find my own, unique path.




how is that for a narcissistic post?

respite of sorts

If you haven't noticed I'm taking a little blogging break.
Not because it is work, it is actually important to me. I stopped journaling when I began blogging and it really is a fantastic Dear Diary journal.

Lately my life is less Dear Diary and more personal journal type material. Finding things to write for the public is becoming more and more difficult.

I'll be back. Things always change, especially me.

path maker

No one ever asked how I want to live my life they only told me how I should and there seems to be a lot of opinions.

I want to stand up for my own way, however odd and backwards it may seem.

Here's to the journey -- if not now, when?

in progress

I'm not saying I'm old, or even that any of this was brought on by my birthday. In fact I forgot about my birthday till my work buddies reminded me.

So here is the deal
I've done this big huge thing and I wonder
now what?

With that out of the way I can see more of myself; a clearer picture. The things I should have done, road blocks, and SO many things I need to work on. Six months ago, if you asked me what was wrong in my life I could have given you a long list but only through the filter of

why couldn't i finish - what if someone finds out i didn't finish - if i finished no one would treat me like a worthless, soggy thing - why did it happen to me - i need to find the earlier version of me

I feel foolish for carrying all that mess around for all this time.
However- I see myself moving forward.

I have a list, a little 30 before 30 list. It isn't really about the big 3-0, but more like I have some serious ground to regain, eight years worth. Just a few -- I want to travel and take a watercolor class, and submit a piece somewhere, and dp has been begging to go skydiving.

I want to shed as much baggage as I can. How freeing would it be to start a whole new decade fresh? But always being in progress.


Its not who you were, its who you are
and we've come this far, no?
--incubus

accomplishments

Does anyone else wake up, and while compiling the mental daily to do list start to have a full fledged freakout panic attack?

It's the mammoth pile of laundry, the hand towel that never gets put up cause I still haven't hung the towel bar, the old razor that is still in the shower and would take only 5 seconds to put in the trash but I can never remember because I'm thinking about the dishes in the sink, the stack of projects waiting for me at work, the walk I didn't take last night, and the bills that need to get paid, I need to remember my phone, ipod, makeup bag...

A spiral. And then I go to get dressed and don't really fit into my clothes anymore, and probably should add a walk to my to do list for today.

I'm sure no one else feels like this in the morning.... they probably don't snap at their husbands either.... cause that would be mean.

BUT! (yay there is a but!)
:: We went to the store this week and can stop buying lunch and dinner every day.
:: I went on 1 small walk this week.
:: We cooked dinner last night. Gasp.


Hope everyone can check something off their list today. It is such a good feeling.
mini

because

birthday month is looming and
the numbers keep getting bigger

i received an invite for my 10 year high school reunion
already

how can i feel so old and so young
all at once?

the past year
has been enough, i'm ready for a break
may i take this year off?

in one year i
changed jobs
lost vision in my right eye and
suffered 6 months of terrible treatments that left me a lump and
aggravated an injury causing the 2 month long headache
learned my meemaw was ill and watched her slip away
i started my last hours of school
david's mom's illness began to get worse and
watched david ache
finished school

it is a lot. and where do i go from here
i'm tired and confused
unhealthy or not, i just want to get back to the way things were

my hair dresser/therapist - Darcy - reminded me that i can't look to society to tell me how to live my life. with her advice i've decided to make some changes, because i can't wait till i'm retired to live the life i want, even if i am "different" but mostly i need to take the jump

because i am different

done

I am finished with my school work, waiting (im)patiently for my grades. I won't feel really really good till my grades are in, and transcripts sent, and the registrar mails me my piece of paper.

I am not sure how I feel about the whole experience. Relieved. Happy. Tired. I haven't processed the full magnitude of this achievement. This semester has been like opening a wound. I was forced to face my baggage that I lugged around for years.

A couple of things

1. I was a crazy person for trying to finish in one go. It was
grueling and resulted in no less than 50 meltdowns. I can't even fit the thank yous into this post. It would be huge.

2. I have been ashamed of my college status for 6 years. I just avoided the whole topic because how can you explain that you didn't finish the last month of your last semester of college? (here's where my inner thoughts kick in) I assumed people would think I was "stupid" or less in someway. Having school completed... I can't even find words to say how I feel....I no longer have to hang my head. Powerful moment.

3. Baggage.
This is my story, and I want my readers to hear an authentic me.I am too aware of how the world views mental illness and it isn't with an accepting, open mind. What happened to me at ACU just did, but the painful part is the lack of caring for me afterwards. For them it was one day in my life, but for me I was thrown onto a different track. I am not living the life I would have, I am not the same person I was. There is an insensitivity to emotional and mental issues, we brush people aside as "full of excuses" or "overly sensitive." In reality there are certain pains that affect the entire person.

Last year, I was diagnosed with PTSD due to my experience while at college. Only then did someone agree to find a way for me to finish my degree. I fought for 5 years, tried too many times to finish in Abilene and every time I failed I was more ashamed than before. I catch myself wondering how my life could be different if someone had diagnosed me sooner, if anyone had validated these feelings I was having.

Now,by some gift,I can begin to lay this burden down.


So, completing this semester was "important" for me. I struggled with the work load, I struggled internally convincing myself I could do this and I wouldn't fail again, and I struggled with memories of the past that never seem to fade completely.

And I am not sure how else to say -- I am done.
hard