families

I want to take a moment to talk about family.

This weekend we drove to Flower Mound for a funeral. Grandma passed from this world June 29th. She wasn't my Grandma, but she was family.

I stood by Jeni as guests started to enter the church and offer condolences for her loss. They'd then turn to me and introduce myself, expecting to me to say I was a cousin or maybe an in-law of some kind.

"I'm Analee and I'm Navy family."

My Grammy always talks about Air Force families they still keep in contact with 40 years later and I never understood. When David and I were dating, his first deployment was so isolating. It was more than long distance. It was 9 months without a phone call, a few lines of email every 3 days saying he was safe and missed me. I was in it alone.

Moving to Washington was my first experience in a military community. We knew each other just a few days before we started helping plan weddings, drive sick kids to the emergency room in the middle of the night or spend the night in each others beds when the loneliness grew too great.

Navy family had to be best friends from back home, mom's, sisters, substitutes for husbands. You come together because there is no one else.
And you bond together.
We can not simply lose touch or drift apart.
You show up and hug and cry and love.

Because we are family.

wanted: one grand vacation

I am so tired.

The day after the snoball treat I got a cold.

25 days later...

Saturday I gave in and got antibiotics. The cold only lasted 2 weeks but the EVIL earache lingered. Yesterday was the first day in three weeks that I wasn't in terrible pain. Relief.

And apparently Halls is now an encourager.

Oh and by the way David lost his job at the beginning of September. It feels like ages ago. We scrambled, re-wrote his resume and started the dance. Amazingly, he found another job at a bigger (hopefully better) shop and today is his first day.

None of this was dp's fault, just bad luck and bad timing. Which seems to be a theme for us lately. I feel so responsible for making him happy and successful. It is almost like a second job.

Therapist lady has helped me realize that we've never transitioned from Navy couple to civilian couple. I'm still doing everything on my own, all the worry and all the responsibility. It just feels like it is all up to me and David is the wildcard. I "know" he is here for good, but in a way I'm still preparing for him to be gone for a year. We are working on transitioning... you know... five years later. Really hoping dp having a real job will help allow me to let go.
*I chose that picture cause he'll hate that I posted it. Thats how I show my love.

Grandaddy continues to struggle with his health. So much of me is trying not to think about it, because avoiding reality is easier. So instead:

Gordon is a retired Colonel and I'm sure was a very serious man. But I hardly ever saw Grandaddy as anything but silly. He delighted in making people laugh. I love my grandaddy who would round us kids up for dinner with a made up a Come To Dinner song.

His laugh is like this: Ho ho he he he he. I can hear it, can you?

Man it is hard.

I did a little craft project this weekend, cause I needed some fall happiness and of course it had to do with my kitties. I love them!!

I especially love their little hineys. You dont know them so you don't really know that this is the most accurate depiction of their tails. But it is.

All you need to know about Wheels, Rigby and Abbey is right there.

aren't we all

I chose to believe that we are all as tired as I am right now because I would be upset if there was someone out there with vim and vigor. I don't like someone knowing a secret about energy that I don't...

Sickly
Valentine's Day 2012-
I started getting a cold
March 2 2012-
still.have.the.stupid.cold.still
I don't remember feeling normal and I think hacking up strange viscous liquids is now just a part of my life, and speak up I can't hear anything with my new fluid filled ears.
Ok, I think I am done complaining.

Death
Carro is dead. It's been dead and rotting in the driveway. Little car that took Bob Button's place, and drove to Washington, and slid in the snow, and made 900 trips from Abilene to Houston and back and forth. Poor Carro needs a new engine.

David has been out of work for 6 months now. We have unemployed fatigue syndrome and so does our bank account. This coupled with my dead car means I'm a bus rider.

Well, I haven't ridden yet. I'll be honest. I'm a little nervous about the whole process, catching the train and transferring to a bus and making sure I catch said bus and get off the bus at the right spot. My mom reminded me how MeeMaw did it until the age of 90 and I feel even more silly now. A practice, I need a practice run.

I rode the bus in middle school. The school bus, not the city bus. The bus was always late or forgetting me or leaving 13 milliseconds after the bell rang. (Teachers - I know you don't want your kids to pack up early but the bus drives away 13 MILLISECONDS after the bell rings. It is a lot of stress for an 11 year old)

One day the kids behind me cut my hair. Yes cut my hair. I can't say that this isn't the root of my bus worries.

Rational Me- Oh please, no one is going to cut you hair.
Silly Me- You don't know that.



Happy Friday to all the tired people.

it WILL be ok

*optional soundtrack for today's post


We want what we want when we want it without out mayo and tomatoes.

A couple of weeks ago we were having unseasonable warm weather and people groaned because it is January. But a month ago when it was cool the same people groaned because it was "too cold". Either we complain about no seasons or the change in seasons, no matter what it is never just right.

Change is like that.
Some changes are painful, push and tug at you.
Some changes are slow and natural.
Some changes are violent.
Some changes are exciting and welcomed after celebratory dinners and hopefully cake.

It would be nice if all change was easy and desired, but most change is difficult.

This week I expected to be struggling with the pain of missing MeeMaw, especially today. Yet, I am surprised with the peace of today. I miss her a lot-- MeeMawisms, and MeeMaw treats, MeeMaw news and MeeMaw smell.

Something about her death changed me.
I watched her fight and desire life so intently. And I listened to her wisdom while she faced death.
Timing is something I am not good at but God is. I lost MeeMaw a year ago, but gained a part of myself. And I will never go back to fearing life. I will always desire and fight for a good life, be fearless of change, and take advantage of time.

She told me over and over not to be sad as her little body gave out, that everything will be ok.

And it is.
Everything is not the same.
But everything is ok and just as it should be.

all dogs

It has been one hell of a year. I'm done with it already, lets all just get in bed and wake up in 2012.

Loss seems to be a theme for 2011.
I'm making a note to ask God what is the lesson he is trying to teach me with loss, cause it is not a pleasant learning process.

The furry world has lost some important puppies this year:

August 15 - Koda Rasco went to heaven. Missing his strong tail and creeper stare.
September 15 - Zeke went to heaven and I miss my sweet nephew Zeke.
November 8 - Muffin went to heaven.

That's plenty of loss for one year. What is harder than losing family? Watching them fade. There has been too much of that this year also.



I am realising that nothing will ever be the same and missing that sameness.

holt street

I grieve in bits.
Small thoughts that open my heart to the hurt. I knew this would be difficult but I had no idea it would hurt. I have physical pain.

Holt St. was our street, our sidewalk, that backyard, those birds, her flowers, her house, our center. The idea that someday it won’t be ours anymore sits on my chest and I breath stinging short breaths.
The family has started to deal with her belongings. I cannot bear this for it is rooted in a reality I just want to pretend isn’t there. But it is reality. We are temporary. Even this house that has been hers my entire existence is temporary. I haven’t been in the house yet. I can’t comprehend that she isn’t inside.

Last night I took home a bowl I had made for her.
It is one of those horrible memories you wish you could wash away.
The ride home
her bowl in my lap
catching tears.

MeeMaw made me two ceramic kitties. In a move or in some idiotic haste they have been lost. And I feel sick. David says not to beat myself up. But how? I know she wouldn’t care, but I care. I want them. She made them for me, and scratched FB on the bottom, or maybe it is F.B.

Today I grieve these small pieces.

walden

Some day soon I am going to stop overextending myself...
But until then here is an hyper extended post.

Before and After
Chair. Is. Done.There she be. My mom covered the chair with my remnant fabric find, and she got her stuffing replaced. Her purple arms and legs are take 2 of purples, the first was just not what I was expecting so I made David repaint. See how hard I worked on this chair! ;) It looks great and we all love it. And aren't we loving the sea foam green the evening sun makes my turquoise sun room? hmmm a thought?


Before and After 2
Remember my snail? Mike Schnail? He is huge. Proof....
Shocked right? He will be getting a bigger tank soon.

Product testing...
Waaaaaaaaay back at Christmas, our family played a little cake walk game. I (DP) won the grand prize of a Mini Cupcake Maker! This weekend, during a paper break I tried it out. 4 stars- cute tiny cupcakes. Only draw back is it make 7 at a time, and I am impatient. I made 14 and then poured the rest of the batter into a sheet pan. Then I realised DP and I have a whole cake to eat by ourselves... should have thought about that.


Walden Pond
Writing can not be rushed. Writing is organic. You do not tell the flowers it is time to bloom. ;) Sunday it was pretty outside, would you have wanted me to be locked away in my paper writing nook all day?

Somehow I convinced David to let me go to the park, I promised him something... can't remember what it was. I'm pretty manipulative like that.

So I read in the park, feeling very artsy and connected to nature. Watched some squirrels, petted some rabbits, took some pictures, felt a little better about British Lit, just a little.

I have 73 more days of this breakneck pace. Not rushing things, but surely feeling the intensity. It isn't even midterms yet. But I am doing it. I'm desperate to show 'them' that I can do it, that it isn't me, it was there. That will be empowering.

If you aren't squeamish, watch this. (this is a serious disclaimer, the opening is *cough* graphic. if you have delicate sensibilities skip to 15:46. don't say I didn't warn you.) We watched this video in class last night, it was very moving. If you care to, listen to the story of Agnes & Mr. Alligator. If you have ever experienced trauma I think this will be impactful. Eve says what healed her brokenness was to give to others what she needed most. Remember that bible school song about the lucky penny?

Love isn't something till you give it away
Till you give it away
Give it away
Love isn't something till you give it away
You'll end up having more

Love is like a lucky penny
Hold it tight and you won't have any
But, give it away
And you'll have plenty
You'll end up having more

The Beatles mentioned this also. But it is powerful to see put into practice. After suffering tremendous pain I still struggle with how to put it all back together. How do you heal that brokenness? And I always thought the answer was somewhere within me. If only I had my degree, I would feel whole again, set back on the right track, finish what I should have finished. All the walls and hiding from relationships because I wasn't "ready" to let love get close...

Light bulb moment. Healing isn't inside of me. I've been waiting for God to heal me, waiting at the bus stop for that bus to pick me up and take me back to a normal happy. Healing is outside of me, it is in healing others, in LOVING others.

Just knowing this makes me a little more put together.

every string has an end

Dearest MeeMaw has gone home.

No words seem right except for her own:

"Every string has an end. We are fearfully and wonderfully made but not made to last for ever."

-Frances Lewis Bivins September 2010

there's a hole in my bucket

Simply put

I am overwhelmed.

I keep waiting for something positive to blog about, but never seem to get there. Our hearts are heavy. I've been working non-stop just to try and keep my mind busy with other things. Been working hard at work, coming home and working hard for RBC. David was ill last week and spent the week taking care of him, because at least then the sad things would stay a little deeper, tucked away.

But they come out. As much as I try I can not keep them far enough away because it is close. I am overcome with how close and do not want to watch her go.

Discover the playlist blinding light with Immaculate Machine

make a mighty ocean

Little drops of water
Tiny grains of sand
Make a mighty ocean
And a happy land.

MeeMaw used to read me a book about a bunny who couldn’t fall asleep. He was afraid of the man in the moon, branches scraping the window, footsteps downstairs, he even thought there was a giant giraffe in the bed with him when it was just his stuffed animal. He asked for water, and his blankets smoothed. His mother explained the man in the moon, and gave him a drink of water but always finished with “Now go to sleep.”

I remember how the bunny looked, the illustrations of his imagined foes, his sweet mother tucking him in. I remember MeeMaw giving us two Pringles and a small cup of water before bed, to nibble on during our story. I remember The Sneeches and BarBar and Robert Lewis Stevenson. I do not remember the title of my bunny book.

Maybe I am preparing myself for the future where instead of sitting on the gold and peach couches sharing memories with MeeMaw, memories are all that is left and I cherish them privately.
I want to remember the title of the bunny book. (Google doesn’t remember it either.)

razor's edge

I had a relapse this past week. With a heavy heart and burning throat I couldn't think about exercising nor eating right, in fact I had a coke float for dinner on Friday and passed out at 8. (almost a near repeat of monday minus the coke float)

If anyone has ideas on how to cheer yourself up without coke floats, and angel hair pasta, queso and tortillas, drippy hamburgers, and chick-fil-a let me know. I also tried retail therapy, and kitten holding all of which make me feel guilty.

David heard somewhere that men's brains are like waffles and women's brains like spaghetti. I try and set my brain on a trajectory that won't come back to our sad news about MeeMaw, but all my spaghetti is connected and I end up at the beginning. It's been a struggle.

However, as MeeMaw reminded me, it is good to be alive.

And with these precious ones, I believe her.

A modern Razor's Edge...

"It's hard to remember we're alive for the first time. It's hard to remember we're alive for the last time. It's hard to remember to live before you die. It's hard to remember our lives are such a short time, it's hard to remember when it takes such a long time. It's hard to remember."-Modest Mouse

please please

Please pray for my MeeMaw.

I was going to write a mother’s day post about the wonderful mothers in my life, I still may, they are deserving of appreciation. But I need the entire world to know how special my MeeMaw is, how much of a treasure this woman is, how every moment with her is joy-filled.

I owe my artistic talent to MeeMaw. MeeMaw has the creative gene. She paints, makes cards, ceramics, sews (even Barbie clothes), she can reverse engineer ANY crafty project. If I ever get published, I will dedicate that book to my artist wellspring- her gifts flowed into me, I proudly carry them forth.

When my family moved back to Houston in 1988ish we stayed with MeeMaw and PawPaw for a few weeks till we could move into our new house. It felt like a lot longer to my 4 year old self. It was in the summer and Leah, MeeMaw and I played all summer. Sneaky Pete, Uno without the “mean” cards (MeeMaw never let anyone win, we were all winners and we all cheated), playhouse on the front porch and she let us use real dishes to make our grass soup and sheets for walls, she would help us play wedding, we had the best wedding dresses, slips for veils and nightgown dresses. Everyday we would walk down to Lafayette Park and Leah and I played Star Wars on the big tire swing. I’m glad I got to experience Frances as a MeeMaw.

MeeMaw has taught me what it means to be a Texan. Her vernacular is part of what makes MeeMaw fun to be around. You never know what new-deal-east-texas-c-of-c words and phrases she will whip out. She knows how to make biscuits from scratch; she knows how to make everything from scratch. The span of her life is unimaginable, how the world has changed, how she has had to change with the world. You never know what cultural goodies will come up. I regret not writing them down.

Faith is the foundation of this woman. She knows the bible frontwards, backwards, up, down and around. She knows it and she is it. She loves with the love of the LORD. More recently I have seen in her how accepting she is of others. She accepts differences in people, is quick to forgive when people make mistakes, and loves freely and unyielding. I will always work towards the goal of being Godly like she is; I doubt I can ever achieve it.

Needless to say, I love my MeeMaw.

I beg every reader to pray for her and her health.

just today...

almost a month ago, a tuesday passed without notice for me. a date that has been quiet and gray. i forgot Juni's Day.

several weeks ago when i noticed the day had come and gone i felt a sinking shameful feeling. i was never going to forget, i was never going to be right again. maybe it is not shameful but a step forward.

as a child i believed clouds would feel like cotton candy or cotton balls. i can remember thinking i could open an airplane window and pet a cloud. but one flight i was crushed to see that a cloud is just air, and we passed through it uneventfully, and even if i could open an airplane window, the cloud would slip into the spaces between my fingers. this date in october is alot like that. i believed that losing Juni was the deepest cut, but it was just the final straw. and in mourning the loss of Juni i was really morning the loss of myself. i had gone from cotton candy to mist and air.

for five years i have been spinning and trying to take a shadowy hallow and refill her with myself... whoever that was now. but it took 21 years to build the last one and how would i start again? i don't believe there is a reason for everything or what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. life is some horrible, funny, joyful and painful thing. and being thankful for each day was hard when i didn't want another. but each day comes, like the one before it. the 'lesson' i have learned i would gladly trade in for my old self, my old future.

but indeed there is some lesson in all of this...
i know that i can not go back nor look back. i can only trudge forward and hope that the next crooked highway is filled with sunshine and less heartache.

when i wake up tomorrow it will be just that-- tomorrow. the day after today.

there's close enough and there's too far...

i wish life was like price is right--
closest without going over

even if you miss the mark you can still win


maybe i can bring this up with God... $1 God, $1...

Through the looking glass...

At some point I fell through a wormhole. I am in a world that doesn't make sense and doesn't look like my life anymore.

Four years ago today I got a call that my Juni Bean had died.

I feel now that her death was a heavy blow, but the timing was like the last thing my heart could bear. And Juni's sudden death ushered in a dark time in my life. I cannot remember the date 5 years ago when my life changed forever but I do know I could have picked up the pieces, but losing my pretty Juni sent me down.

So today I remember a little life that brought me so much joy and happiness. Yet I also remember and morn a turning point in my life.

Abbey is my spring and came to me a month after Juni's passing. Watching her heal her wounds of being abandoned at a Quiznos has made me so happy. She is a normal cat now. She is so sweet and loving. I really think Rigby helped heal Abbey. But David too. Once David got out of the Navy Abbey improved so much. She likes having two "parents."

I feel like at some point I will see my life as it should be and not this distorted path that I am on. I will get back to reality.

One is the loneliest number...

Lost:

One Gray and Yellow Harringbone Ballet Flat.

Last seen at Jeni's Grandmother's apartment parking lot, Lewisville, Texas. Please contact if found. Beloved shoe. Is missed greatly. Small reward offered for its return.

Could be in the following locations:

Jeni's mom's drive way

Chili's parking lot

Chris's parent's drive way

But look all over Lewisville please, if you live near by, please just look. :(

A Few Thoughts on Moving

We gave moved yet again. And once again we are not with our things completely. Everything was moved from our Washington storage to storage in Houston. Kind of a let down, although having things 400 miles away is much better than 3000 miles.

Moving is awful. It sucks. The packing and unpacking and as we have unfortunately discovered the loss and destruction of our things. I won't say much more about it other than a lot of our things got broken and lost. We are going to have to go down to Houston soon and unpack, check and then repack all of our belongings. A major task. Sigh.

I am trying not to be emotional about it all. I keep telling myself they are just things, replaceable things. But it is still upsetting.

Why can't life ever move along smoothly?

Letting Go.

Another year has gone by since my Juni's passing. Unlike last years post, I do not find my self crying at the thought of her. Although her death is still a dark moment in my life I let go of the pain of losing her, but still hold on to how much I loved her.

I lost her at the most difficult part of my life, when I thought the skies couldn't any more black and my chest any more heavy with burden. As I lost her I couldn't imagine why I had to say goodbye to the one thing that still gave me joy in this life.

But little did I know that joy would return to me. As October comes I remember that day my dad called me to tell me the news, but I also remember that November marks my anniversary of finding Abbey and November is Rigby's birthday. And Abbey and Rigby have brought a happiness back to me that I thought was buried with my Junnipurr.

She wasn't just a cat to me. She was my friend, support and she needed me. She was the most beautiful cat I have ever seen and had a personality to match her stunning beauty. I loved her.

So it seems that there will be moments in life where your heart will break, but you will be ok.

Fly Away- Poe

It makes sense that it should happen this way
That the sky should break,
and the earth should shake
As if to say: Sure it all matters but in such an unimportant way

As if to say: Fly away, sweet bird of prey
Fly fly away
Nothing can stand in your way Sweet bird,
if you knew the words I know you'd say:
fly, fly away

It makes sense that it should hurt in this way
That my heart should break, and my hands should shake
As if to say: Sure it don't matter except in the most important way

As if to say: Fly away, sweet bird of prey
Fly fly away I
won't stand in your way Sweet bird,
if you knew the words I know that you'd say:
fly, fly away
It makes sense that it should feel just this way
That you slowly fade and yet still remain
As if to say: Everything matter in such an invisible way
As if to say:
It's O.K.
Fly...away

So I let go of my grief and say goodbye to my kitty. But I will never let go of how much I loved her and still do. Because it is ok.

One More Goodbye

Today is a sad day. It is the one year anniversary of my sweet Junipurr's passing. It has been a hard year of missing her. I love her still. Her space could never be filled in my life and I still have not made it to where I can think about her without crying.

She passed suddenly on a wednesday night. I was at church and as I was leaving I felt angry and frustrated and cried all the way home. I thought I was just stressed out and having womanly mood swings. I cried to my friend Brianne and told her that I was having an emotional breakdown. The next day something lifted my spirits that was most surely a gift from Juni. The stray kitties that would sometimes sleep on my porch were all there to kiss me. I emailed my mother to tell her about my bad day and the kitties that had made it better. Little did I know my sweet was already gone. My father called me that night and told me. That was the worst pain and a really hard night.

It is also a reminder of our other cat who left us just before that, Blackie aka Pookie. It seems almost cruel to lose them both. But I write this blog to honor them. Their spirits were so kind and generous and so loving. Blackie was with us for a long time and had grown into her quirky personality. She drooled and licked fingers and had a... unique meow. But I loved Pookie. She was a great napping partner and I miss watching her frolic in our backyard in Bellaire. The greatest thing about Blackie was her BIG miracle. She had disappeared and we feared the worst and we were moving soon. But Blackie came home! I never hugged her so hard. Juni came when I could not have been anymore dorky and stuck in middle school hell. She was my best friend and the most beautiful, photogenic cat you have ever seen. Juni loved to play with bottle caps, squish into boxes and eat my hair, yes eat my hair. I wish I had more time with her, but the time we did have was more than special.


I loved my sweet Juni. And I hope her little spirit is happy and knows how much I love her. She was a wonderful cat and changed my life. She gave me so much happiness and I love her for it.

Here You Me (for Juni)

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.

What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
God wouldn't let it live.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

-jimmy eat world