Have you ever showed up at a dinner party and the hostess had no idea you were coming?
Embarrassment and anxiety swirling around every guest. Shifting eyes. The hostess is gracious and welcoming and finds a tattered chair for the corner of the dining table.
That's how I feel about my life.
I showed up without an invitation and ruined the energy of the party.
Everyone wants to comfort me and say the more the merrier, but there clearly isn't room at the table.
Showing posts with label overwhelmed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label overwhelmed. Show all posts
Thursday, April 04, 2013
Friday, December 28, 2012
attitude adjustment
When you were a grumpy kid being sassy and pouty, did your mom tell say "You need an attitude adjustment" ? My mom used to say that all the time. In fact we weren't allowed to watch Beverly Hills Teens (which was like Jem + Archie in an 80's cartoon) cause the kids were too sassy.
Mom hasn't told me I need an attitude adjustment in years, but I need one.
I get so overwhelmed trying to impress David's family. I just want them to like me and I never feel like I've made it into the fold. I over compensate by over planning and trying to make Christmas "special" because I know it is Gill's favorite holiday. I plan elaborate meals, outings, devotionals, activities - anything to get positive attention. In the end I become grumpy and pouty because I'm worn out and didn't enjoy the holiday because I'm too worried about the Special Factor.
Yesterday David informed me that his cousins are coming to Houston for a couple days.
I freaked out. How are we going to adjust our plans and where will everyone go and how will we feed them and I don't have any activities planned for kids and and and.
I emailed my mom venting how I don't know how I am going to deal with added complexity of more people.
She responded:
"His cousins are so good to make the effort to come down."
Mommy, in the nicest way possible, told me I need an attitude adjustment. Of course I didn't see it that way. Here I am using a holiday to try and earn brownie points with in-laws when I'm missing the whole point. I'm Martha.
38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
Luke 10:38-42
But it is so easy to defend Martha.
Martha is a doer, she knows that if she isn't in the kitchen dinner isn't going to get cooked. I guess I still haven't fully grasped the "what is really important" lesson.
Even typing this, knowing that I've totally messed up and need to change my perspective I'm still sweating (literally) cause the pie isn't done and it is too rainy to pull of the birthday party I planned for Andy and after days of Dp sanding the bathroom door still won't close...
Mom hasn't told me I need an attitude adjustment in years, but I need one.
I get so overwhelmed trying to impress David's family. I just want them to like me and I never feel like I've made it into the fold. I over compensate by over planning and trying to make Christmas "special" because I know it is Gill's favorite holiday. I plan elaborate meals, outings, devotionals, activities - anything to get positive attention. In the end I become grumpy and pouty because I'm worn out and didn't enjoy the holiday because I'm too worried about the Special Factor.
Yesterday David informed me that his cousins are coming to Houston for a couple days.
I freaked out. How are we going to adjust our plans and where will everyone go and how will we feed them and I don't have any activities planned for kids and and and.
I emailed my mom venting how I don't know how I am going to deal with added complexity of more people.
She responded:
"His cousins are so good to make the effort to come down."
Mommy, in the nicest way possible, told me I need an attitude adjustment. Of course I didn't see it that way. Here I am using a holiday to try and earn brownie points with in-laws when I'm missing the whole point. I'm Martha.
38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
Luke 10:38-42
But it is so easy to defend Martha.
Martha is a doer, she knows that if she isn't in the kitchen dinner isn't going to get cooked. I guess I still haven't fully grasped the "what is really important" lesson.
Even typing this, knowing that I've totally messed up and need to change my perspective I'm still sweating (literally) cause the pie isn't done and it is too rainy to pull of the birthday party I planned for Andy and after days of Dp sanding the bathroom door still won't close...
Thursday, September 13, 2012
when you need a giant vat of mint chip
did you have a terrible week?
i did.
did you have an embarrassing break down on wednesday night, crying and snivelling, getting out words between tight gasps of air -- i *gasp* dont *gasp* want *gasp* to *gasp* go * gasp* to work anymooooore *sniff sniff gasp gasp* ?
i did.
did you eat a giant bowl of mint chip and crack a tiny smile when you found the ENORMOUS chunk in your mint chip? did you eat it out of your brand new ikea bowls that you are pretty sure are intended for rice but you saw them and thought ICE CREAM!?
i did.
So lets talk lip gloss!!!
Oh and I have a softlips lip gloss which uh huh, yup, yes it is that amazing. Same light softlips slip from the balm but in a non-sticky no glitter just shiny gloss.
Girls/Ladies/Flamboyant Gents
What is Burts Bees doing in the facial cleansing industry? What did I miss?
Watch it.
i did.
did you have an embarrassing break down on wednesday night, crying and snivelling, getting out words between tight gasps of air -- i *gasp* dont *gasp* want *gasp* to *gasp* go * gasp* to work anymooooore *sniff sniff gasp gasp* ?
i did.
did you eat a giant bowl of mint chip and crack a tiny smile when you found the ENORMOUS chunk in your mint chip? did you eat it out of your brand new ikea bowls that you are pretty sure are intended for rice but you saw them and thought ICE CREAM!?
i did.
tuesday did you have a pre-dinner icecream cone from chickfila and then mint chip for dessert?
i did and stand firm that it isn't overkill.
it has been that kind of week/month/last two years. no one wants to read about ice cream inducing unpleasantness.
Remember when I mentioned my lip needs? Yeah, I have Soflips addiction, uh-dict-shun.
(I think dp dreams of being a prepper but I don't give into his insanity. But I will admit, my mind has wondered to a post-apocalyptic scenario and *i swear* my greatest concern is how long will my Softlips stash last, will I have to ration? Just once in the morning and once at night or if it was terrible once at night, and without ac would they melt and then I would use a stick to dig out the lip protectant goodness? This isn't just blog wit, I've seriously gone down that road.)
At all times I need:
2 softlips at work
1 in the purse
1 by the bed
1 by the desk
+ stash in the drawerOh and I have a softlips lip gloss which uh huh, yup, yes it is that amazing. Same light softlips slip from the balm but in a non-sticky no glitter just shiny gloss.
But yes I am a grown woman and since the whole tinted lip balm blog of last year I have vastly expanded my 3 lip color options. Slight update - Sugar by Fresh which was the winner totally melted into a crazy mess, now I have to use a lip brush to even apply- bummer.
Ready? Ok.
Girls/Ladies/Flamboyant Gents
That's all you need to know, buy them all. They are kinda everything I ever wanted ever. Wear with gloss or with softlips or mix colors. Buy all of them.
Long lasting color
Easy to apply
Balmy
Amazing
Currently rocking - Honey, Charm, Cherish & Darling
Look at me with the Revlon obsession. Who the heck am I?
This is basically a tinted balm - a sheer lip color, my shade Peach Parfait has a teensie bit of glitter which is kinda nice on occasion. I will sometimes wear this on top of a balm stain.
Now for two other random things to mention without mentioning my no good very bad this week/month/last two years....
What is Burts Bees doing in the facial cleansing industry? What did I miss?
Was loving the Simple face wipes but dang $7 for 25 wipes? So I saw these BB wipes $5 for 30 wipes... I'm not a mathematician but me thinks that is a decent deal.
Haven't broken out at all!
Smell like baby wipes but I dont care.
Fany little closure.
Don't you love tiny doors to open and close? My mom has an xmas ornament - a little chestnut and you open it up and it is a little squirrels house! eeep! And she has a charm that is a house and you can open the roof and see the little bed and table inside!!
Don't you love tiny doors to open and close? My mom has an xmas ornament - a little chestnut and you open it up and it is a little squirrels house! eeep! And she has a charm that is a house and you can open the roof and see the little bed and table inside!!
Ok. I feel better.
Happy friday eve!
*I linked up with Kelly's Korner SUYL. Kinda funny cause I never link up and I never talk about make-up. And if anyone actually clicked on my link and read my blog... sorry you wasted 10 minutes reading about Softlips, but check out Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee and it might be worth it.*
*I linked up with Kelly's Korner SUYL. Kinda funny cause I never link up and I never talk about make-up. And if anyone actually clicked on my link and read my blog... sorry you wasted 10 minutes reading about Softlips, but check out Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee and it might be worth it.*
Friday, April 27, 2012
shortlong
optional soundtrack for today's post (feeling batty)
i can't decide if it has been a long month or a short month.
a long year or a short year?
for "someone like me" it is hard to admit what i am feeling. i dont what to admit what is happening, because i tell myself i am better - i was never going back there - i was always going to be in control. and then i start rationalizing it: maybe it is just a bad day/week/month/s - maybe i'm just sad/tired/stressed. and then little thoughts creep back in and then i get disgusted with myself and angry and angry at God for making this my battle and mad at david for not fixing me when i obviously dont know how to fix myself.
then i pretend it isn't happening.
and eat
and avoid
and hide
and deny
and rationalize
and end up angry right before i get sad again
i can't decide if it has been a long month or a short month.
a long year or a short year?
for "someone like me" it is hard to admit what i am feeling. i dont what to admit what is happening, because i tell myself i am better - i was never going back there - i was always going to be in control. and then i start rationalizing it: maybe it is just a bad day/week/month/s - maybe i'm just sad/tired/stressed. and then little thoughts creep back in and then i get disgusted with myself and angry and angry at God for making this my battle and mad at david for not fixing me when i obviously dont know how to fix myself.
then i pretend it isn't happening.
and eat
and avoid
and hide
and deny
and rationalize
and end up angry right before i get sad again
Thursday, April 12, 2012
overhaul
I feel a little like my life is out of control.
(cue dr hubbert chuckle from God, but you know what i mean by "control")
Lately everything I do is wrong
or more like I don't do/say/feel the right thing
Surely there are others out there that feel
inept at life
How am I considered an adult?
I spin my little wheels at work, jump up and down, say look at me! look at me! don't I do things the way you want them done?
And I never do.
I am never enough, or right.
You know how you feel bad about your body, beat yourself up for pudge, and jiggle, and then 10 years in the future look back at pictures of "chubby" you and you are a string bean teeny tiny itty bitty SKINNY person?
Um yeah I feel like that now. Not stopping all my emotional eating. :/ (someone please make me stop!)
But I also feel like that about our finances. Mom always said it isn't polite to talk about money. So oh well, breaking mom's rules. Since David got out of the Navy we've been on a tight budget, so I thought. Now every penny is efficiently allocated and managed. It is like holding your breath while running.
And I am tired.
I could probably be a better wife, softer and kinder.
I could be a better friend, a much better friend.
I could be a better daughter and granddaughter and I am embarrassed of my short comings.
I'm not sure what's wrong with me, maybe I am avoiding, or embarrassed or maybe it is anxiety. But going to church, or to parties, work or heck even to run errands just sends me into lock down, climb into bed and watch Netflicks for hours on the ipad. Gross right?
I feel this need to confess all this
as some kind of explanation as to why I dont show up and never call nor have blog posts of my kids in their Easter dresses and seersucker
as if in some way it makes up for it all
and friends/work/grammy/dp/God will forgive me one day for being a selfish incompetent brat
I'm waiting for a change in the tide. An overhaul. Painless refinement.
(cue dr hubbert chuckle from God, but you know what i mean by "control")
Lately everything I do is wrong
or more like I don't do/say/feel the right thing
Surely there are others out there that feel
inept at life
How am I considered an adult?
I spin my little wheels at work, jump up and down, say look at me! look at me! don't I do things the way you want them done?
And I never do.
I am never enough, or right.
You know how you feel bad about your body, beat yourself up for pudge, and jiggle, and then 10 years in the future look back at pictures of "chubby" you and you are a string bean teeny tiny itty bitty SKINNY person?
Um yeah I feel like that now. Not stopping all my emotional eating. :/ (someone please make me stop!)
But I also feel like that about our finances. Mom always said it isn't polite to talk about money. So oh well, breaking mom's rules. Since David got out of the Navy we've been on a tight budget, so I thought. Now every penny is efficiently allocated and managed. It is like holding your breath while running.
And I am tired.
I could probably be a better wife, softer and kinder.
I could be a better friend, a much better friend.
I could be a better daughter and granddaughter and I am embarrassed of my short comings.
I'm not sure what's wrong with me, maybe I am avoiding, or embarrassed or maybe it is anxiety. But going to church, or to parties, work or heck even to run errands just sends me into lock down, climb into bed and watch Netflicks for hours on the ipad. Gross right?
I feel this need to confess all this
as some kind of explanation as to why I dont show up and never call nor have blog posts of my kids in their Easter dresses and seersucker
as if in some way it makes up for it all
and friends/work/grammy/dp/God will forgive me one day for being a selfish incompetent brat
I'm waiting for a change in the tide. An overhaul. Painless refinement.
Monday, March 19, 2012
spoke too soon
why did i post that last post?
LIFE chuckled and said oh? you are bored? muwahahahhaha
Dp got a job offer last week.
I'm sure everyone read about it on facebook before we even talked about it, can you hear the tension in that statement? (i don't think he will do that ever again) I'm such a pessimist, even with a new job I still see the uphill battle. It is 100% commission and he needs a licence (that he doesn't have) to get paid and we are still a one car family which is just so much fun.
He starts tomorrow and maybe then I will saying something sweet like "good job honey, all my cover letters really paid off!"
Leah, Miguel, B&DD came into town for their spring break.
Wednesday we went to the rodeo. I haven't been since high school when I went with Christi to see Duran Duran and missed the Big Brother finale. That is what kind of friend Christi is, even when I tell her no you don't understand, this is the finale what if Will wins? after all that and she can convince me to go into a crowd and rely on my vhs recorder to document the finale... whew I have anxiety thinking about it. Ps Will won.
Anyway- we walked 400 miles
By Thursday I had been home for sleeping only. I'm a home body so i missed my bed and my cats and my territory. But we weren't done yet.
FIL went out of town so we had Mary duty. So after work I would go home, change, feed the cats and come over to the in-laws to help dp take care of Mary. Thursday was my first meltdown. Friday night, Saturday subsequent meltdowns. Sunday dp intended to take her to church but I was physically a puddle of exhausted. So instead she came over to our house and I cleaned and did 900 loads of laundry, changed the sheets, organized....
And now it is Monday. I take it back. I'd rather be bored....
LIFE chuckled and said oh? you are bored? muwahahahhaha
Dp got a job offer last week.
I'm sure everyone read about it on facebook before we even talked about it, can you hear the tension in that statement? (i don't think he will do that ever again) I'm such a pessimist, even with a new job I still see the uphill battle. It is 100% commission and he needs a licence (that he doesn't have) to get paid and we are still a one car family which is just so much fun.
He starts tomorrow and maybe then I will saying something sweet like "good job honey, all my cover letters really paid off!"
Leah, Miguel, B&DD came into town for their spring break.
They are giants, tall and lanky.
They are smart. Corrected me - "Cool dragon!" "That's not a dragon its a serpent." (reading box) "Oh... yeah I guess it is a serpent."
I'm in the middle of our quarter close, so I was working most nights I was there.Wednesday we went to the rodeo. I haven't been since high school when I went with Christi to see Duran Duran and missed the Big Brother finale. That is what kind of friend Christi is, even when I tell her no you don't understand, this is the finale what if Will wins? after all that and she can convince me to go into a crowd and rely on my vhs recorder to document the finale... whew I have anxiety thinking about it. Ps Will won.
Anyway- we walked 400 miles
- in the parking lot to the shuttle
- from the shuttle around the dome to reliant stadium (it was my first time in the stadium, are you really shocked? I'm still talking about VHSs....)
- went the wrong way and walked ALL THE WAY AROUND the stadium
- found our section but there was a sleeping baby the end of our row, so we went back down, back up and were in the wrong section, back down, back up in the right section, climbed across 20 people and finally sat down.
- back to the shuttle
- back to the car
- to the bed
By Thursday I had been home for sleeping only. I'm a home body so i missed my bed and my cats and my territory. But we weren't done yet.
FIL went out of town so we had Mary duty. So after work I would go home, change, feed the cats and come over to the in-laws to help dp take care of Mary. Thursday was my first meltdown. Friday night, Saturday subsequent meltdowns. Sunday dp intended to take her to church but I was physically a puddle of exhausted. So instead she came over to our house and I cleaned and did 900 loads of laundry, changed the sheets, organized....
And now it is Monday. I take it back. I'd rather be bored....
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
binge
Too much of a good thing
Too much of any thing can make a person sick.
I have too much on my plate. Too much work, too much school work, too much pain, too much stress, too too much. And it has been a long long time since I've had too much of a good thing, or even uh good thing.
The past year has been an effort just to stay afloat.
I am officially going into robot mode for the month of April. If I survive... well there will be singing and mojitos.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
streaming live without filter
not sure what and how to say "Stuff"
remember when you were 16 and the parents asked how your life was and you could only say fine, cause you are 16 and your brain is underdeveloped and swirling and fine seems an appropriate word to describe your teenage angst? teenage angst morphs into young adult angst doesn't it? i missed the memo.
without complaining i will say
i am so incredibly fatigued
i've mentioned before that i dont run. i avoided 12 years of PE for this reason. but for some reason in college i would and could run and did probably because i was skinny and the jiggling was minimal. i started by running to a stop sign and i made it so i picked a tree further down the road and made it to the tree. by now im wheezing and start bargaining with myself, legs are jello but you can make it once more around the lake, if you could just do that you can walk the rest of the way.
today i'm bargaining to myself. if i can just make it one more day but there isn't a short term pay off. if i make it till tomorrow i get to do it all over again.
How are you today Analee?
Fine.
Maybe a little tired.
What's new in your life?
I got a 10 gallon fish tank for my snail. I miss my MeeMaw and sometimes can't believe time is still moving. I read too too much but enjoy Gabriel Garcia Marquez just finished 2nd novel in 2 weeks. Heard a new word- scread- going to start using it; definition- in between read & skim. Wondering why my lawn is so brown, we are that lawn on the block. Tried a new yogurt on the recommendation of some random blogger, I've dumped DP as my best friend. Chobani + AM= BFF. I can officially say I have experienced the.worst.test.ever. and I'm thankful for a curve. Spring Break is a lie, I have not yet received said "break."
***Anyone a talented 10 key? I have a job for you! ;) And while I am farming out work, anyone have a super great A thesis for a Brit Lit paper lemme know. Maybe I could come up with a give away, best thesis for 18th British Liturature will win a prize. I'm almost positive this still applies to my "honor code."
ok ok i'll pick my topic my self...
remember when you were 16 and the parents asked how your life was and you could only say fine, cause you are 16 and your brain is underdeveloped and swirling and fine seems an appropriate word to describe your teenage angst? teenage angst morphs into young adult angst doesn't it? i missed the memo.
without complaining i will say
i am so incredibly fatigued
i've mentioned before that i dont run. i avoided 12 years of PE for this reason. but for some reason in college i would and could run and did probably because i was skinny and the jiggling was minimal. i started by running to a stop sign and i made it so i picked a tree further down the road and made it to the tree. by now im wheezing and start bargaining with myself, legs are jello but you can make it once more around the lake, if you could just do that you can walk the rest of the way.
today i'm bargaining to myself. if i can just make it one more day but there isn't a short term pay off. if i make it till tomorrow i get to do it all over again.
How are you today Analee?
Fine.
Maybe a little tired.
What's new in your life?
I got a 10 gallon fish tank for my snail. I miss my MeeMaw and sometimes can't believe time is still moving. I read too too much but enjoy Gabriel Garcia Marquez just finished 2nd novel in 2 weeks. Heard a new word- scread- going to start using it; definition- in between read & skim. Wondering why my lawn is so brown, we are that lawn on the block. Tried a new yogurt on the recommendation of some random blogger, I've dumped DP as my best friend. Chobani + AM= BFF. I can officially say I have experienced the.worst.test.ever. and I'm thankful for a curve. Spring Break is a lie, I have not yet received said "break."
***Anyone a talented 10 key? I have a job for you! ;) And while I am farming out work, anyone have a super great A thesis for a Brit Lit paper lemme know. Maybe I could come up with a give away, best thesis for 18th British Liturature will win a prize. I'm almost positive this still applies to my "honor code."
ok ok i'll pick my topic my self...
Thursday, March 10, 2011
fire away
If I can't say anything nice I shouldn't say anything at all.
So let me sum up my week...
The End.
So let me sum up my week...
The End.
Monday, January 24, 2011
hydroplane
you do not see it coming
the black ice or blackened puddle
if you did
you would surely avoid it
what makes the skid jolting?
you did not know it existed
but there you are
dancing
together.
the black ice or blackened puddle
if you did
you would surely avoid it
what makes the skid jolting?
you did not know it existed
but there you are
dancing
together.
Sunday, January 09, 2011
there's a hole in my bucket
Simply put
I am overwhelmed.
I keep waiting for something positive to blog about, but never seem to get there. Our hearts are heavy. I've been working non-stop just to try and keep my mind busy with other things. Been working hard at work, coming home and working hard for RBC. David was ill last week and spent the week taking care of him, because at least then the sad things would stay a little deeper, tucked away.
But they come out. As much as I try I can not keep them far enough away because it is close. I am overcome with how close and do not want to watch her go.
Discover the playlist blinding light with Immaculate Machine
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
the opposite of rest
Are you tired? I am.
I think it should be Thanksgiving next weekend. I’m very excited about the days off, the smell of cooking (God smiles when he smells onions and celery cooking), the break from go-go-going...
Maybe if I am this tired I should take a weekend to just relax. That would be smart. I’m not.
Project Green MonsterGoal: Backyard privacy
Status: Ongoing
I live in an older neighborhood with chain link fences and backyard neighbors. I’m tired of watching their fire pit and being shy about having our windows open. I took my horticulturist (mom) to Houston Garden Center for privacy shrubs. Houston Plant Centers is having a great sale, 70% off. If David could dig me a bunch of beds I would have gone nuts. Instead I got 8 large shrubs for under $50. Still working on getting them in the ground.
Project Deck
Goal: De-Scuz the deck
Status: Complete
I spontaneously decided I wanted to stain the deck. So we did. I don’t like it. It is going to take some serious getting used to. We went with an opaque white stain. I guess I was envisioning Tom Sawyer and instead got white paint. The jury is still out.
I think it should be Thanksgiving next weekend. I’m very excited about the days off, the smell of cooking (God smiles when he smells onions and celery cooking), the break from go-go-going...
Maybe if I am this tired I should take a weekend to just relax. That would be smart. I’m not.
Project Green MonsterGoal: Backyard privacy
Status: Ongoing
I live in an older neighborhood with chain link fences and backyard neighbors. I’m tired of watching their fire pit and being shy about having our windows open. I took my horticulturist (mom) to Houston Garden Center for privacy shrubs. Houston Plant Centers is having a great sale, 70% off. If David could dig me a bunch of beds I would have gone nuts. Instead I got 8 large shrubs for under $50. Still working on getting them in the ground.
Project Deck
Goal: De-Scuz the deck
Status: Complete
I spontaneously decided I wanted to stain the deck. So we did. I don’t like it. It is going to take some serious getting used to. We went with an opaque white stain. I guess I was envisioning Tom Sawyer and instead got white paint. The jury is still out.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
grinding down...
"Life is like a grindstone--whether it grinds you down or polishes you up depends on what you're made of."
Yesterday I anticipated writing a fun blog about our minication to the hill country. Instead, I don't even want to acknowledge it happened. I regret ever minute of it. I mean it was really relaxing and I had a good time.
Rigby took a turn for the worse on Sunday. He is at the hospital again, fighting really hard.
I regret leaving him and not noticing his decline.
And I regret spending that money on myself. I don't know how we are going to pay for these vet bills.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Where is my nightlight?....
When I was young I had nightmares more than the average kid I would say. (That needs to be confirmed with my parents) Unlike most people my nightmares never stopped or slowed down.
I usually have about 1 nightmare a week, this is not an exaggeration. I really have a lot of bad dreams.
This week has been a bad dream week.
*Sunday- I was a POW in WW2 in Guam in which I was stabbed in the back of the head.
*Monday- Pregnant dream.
*Tuesday- Dinosaurs.
I would say my most common nightmare is the Dino dream. Many times I am running with Rigby or hiding with Rigby.
I would say I have the dinomare twice a month.
What is up with that? Stress?
I usually have about 1 nightmare a week, this is not an exaggeration. I really have a lot of bad dreams.
This week has been a bad dream week.
*Sunday- I was a POW in WW2 in Guam in which I was stabbed in the back of the head.
*Monday- Pregnant dream.
*Tuesday- Dinosaurs.
I would say my most common nightmare is the Dino dream. Many times I am running with Rigby or hiding with Rigby.
I would say I have the dinomare twice a month.
What is up with that? Stress?
Monday, July 30, 2007
Are we there yet?
The countdown has begun. David is out of the gulf, which puts my mind at ease, and they have started their trek back home. But this has always been the hard part for me, the last leg.
I am tired.
I am tired of being apart.
I am tired of 15 minute phone calls every...barely never.
I am tired of the Navy and what it demands of us.
I am tired of being alone.
I am tired of school and homework.
I am tired of feeling not good enough.
I am tired of being misunderstood.
I am tired and ready for a break.
I am sad that I have forgotten David's smell.
I am sad that I have forgotten what his hugs feel like.
I am sad that I have never gotten to really be with him.
I am sad that I will still have more goodbyes to say to him.
I am anxious for the homecoming.
I am anxious for the first hug/kiss.
I am anxious for our return to the civilian world that cannot come soon enough.
I am afraid of the transition time when David returns.
There is a wall, the last hump before the end. And I am tired and anxious and afraid. It would be nice for a little vacation to get me through it.... well not yet. It is soon. But not soon enough. I need a nap.
ps- I have a HUMMINGBIRD!!!
I am tired.
I am tired of being apart.
I am tired of 15 minute phone calls every...barely never.
I am tired of the Navy and what it demands of us.
I am tired of being alone.
I am tired of school and homework.
I am tired of feeling not good enough.
I am tired of being misunderstood.
I am tired and ready for a break.
I am sad that I have forgotten David's smell.
I am sad that I have forgotten what his hugs feel like.
I am sad that I have never gotten to really be with him.
I am sad that I will still have more goodbyes to say to him.
I am anxious for the homecoming.
I am anxious for the first hug/kiss.
I am anxious for our return to the civilian world that cannot come soon enough.
I am afraid of the transition time when David returns.
There is a wall, the last hump before the end. And I am tired and anxious and afraid. It would be nice for a little vacation to get me through it.... well not yet. It is soon. But not soon enough. I need a nap.
ps- I have a HUMMINGBIRD!!!
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Month-by-Month
Have you ever felt like you are just on a really fast train and you are looking out the window at the blur of trees and houses and that is how you days zoom by?
The past few months have been fast, disorientingly fast. (I make up my own words) But I decided to do a quick month-by-month update. But real fast.
November
-We had a really good Thanksgiving with our friends Chris and Jeni. I was really impressed with how yummy we made our dinner.
-My computer also contracted a ridiculous amount of viruses that attacked my Internet explorer and AOL.
-It snowed and we had an interesting experience sliding down a hill and me screaming, STOP! STOP! STOP! We did. Thank you to the brave curb.
December
-I decided to remove myself from all of the drama that I was being weighed down by, and in doing so was unbelievably at peace.
-We also packed up the kitties and took them to Houston. A word to the wise: Red Eye + 2 cats + a very tall husband+ claustrophobic me = HORRIBLE FLIGHT!!!!
-I got really sick in Houston, thanks mom.
-Being sick as a dog was not helped by a phone call in the middle of the trip stating David's pull out date was being pushed up from January 16 to January 2nd and instead of Japan they were going to the Persian Gulf. Panic and crying followed.
-But Christmas was nice.
-Right before we got on the place David's chief called and said never mind about leaving early but definitely straight to the gulf.
January
-David had duty New Years Eve.
-We started packing and getting things ready for David to leave for 8 months. Think packing for a 2 week vacation is tough, how about almost a year!
-We started painting, and boxing things up and moving, all the while missing my little kitties.
-It snowed a bunch. It was not fun.
-We said goodbye at 3am, January 16th, the only way I knew how. We didn't say goodbye at all, we just danced to the first song we danced to as man and wife: I Love you by Coleman Hawkins.
-I barely made it home from taking David because of the terrible snow storm.
-My mom flew in and worked really hard with me to finish packing/cleaning my apartment. Thanks mom.
-Then we drove from Port Orchard, Washington to Houston, Texas. A long haul.
I hope that clears up alot of curiosity and now I can jump to the present time and continue my blog life.
It was my new year's resolution last year to have more people read and enjoy my blog and I think I achieved my goal. I really enjoy sharing with all of you. :)
The past few months have been fast, disorientingly fast. (I make up my own words) But I decided to do a quick month-by-month update. But real fast.
November
-We had a really good Thanksgiving with our friends Chris and Jeni. I was really impressed with how yummy we made our dinner.
-My computer also contracted a ridiculous amount of viruses that attacked my Internet explorer and AOL.
-It snowed and we had an interesting experience sliding down a hill and me screaming, STOP! STOP! STOP! We did. Thank you to the brave curb.
December
-I decided to remove myself from all of the drama that I was being weighed down by, and in doing so was unbelievably at peace.
-We also packed up the kitties and took them to Houston. A word to the wise: Red Eye + 2 cats + a very tall husband+ claustrophobic me = HORRIBLE FLIGHT!!!!
-I got really sick in Houston, thanks mom.
-Being sick as a dog was not helped by a phone call in the middle of the trip stating David's pull out date was being pushed up from January 16 to January 2nd and instead of Japan they were going to the Persian Gulf. Panic and crying followed.
-But Christmas was nice.
-Right before we got on the place David's chief called and said never mind about leaving early but definitely straight to the gulf.
January
-David had duty New Years Eve.
-We started packing and getting things ready for David to leave for 8 months. Think packing for a 2 week vacation is tough, how about almost a year!
-We started painting, and boxing things up and moving, all the while missing my little kitties.
-It snowed a bunch. It was not fun.
-We said goodbye at 3am, January 16th, the only way I knew how. We didn't say goodbye at all, we just danced to the first song we danced to as man and wife: I Love you by Coleman Hawkins.
-I barely made it home from taking David because of the terrible snow storm.
-My mom flew in and worked really hard with me to finish packing/cleaning my apartment. Thanks mom.
-Then we drove from Port Orchard, Washington to Houston, Texas. A long haul.
I hope that clears up alot of curiosity and now I can jump to the present time and continue my blog life.
It was my new year's resolution last year to have more people read and enjoy my blog and I think I achieved my goal. I really enjoy sharing with all of you. :)
Friday, October 13, 2006
Good Morning... I think?
Yes. I have had some memory problems lately. I feel so scatter brained because of all the hustle and bustle that is going on.
I mentioned in my last post that I was planning a baby shower and a bridal shower that occur within 3 weeks of each other. I know ambitious but I have no choice. As well as making frequent trips to the party store, we are all getting ready for the big deployment in January. All of us are going home and there are major arrangements that have to be made. As far as getting things packed and stored, and all the legal arrangements and pet travel arrangements. Arrangements being the key word. I have been needless to say pulled in many directions.
And my mind has started to go. Yesterday after lunch I struggled to remember if I had brushed my teeth that morning. I started out saying yeah, of course I remember doing it. But then the little thought would creep into my mind, "Are you sure you remember brushing your teeth THIS morning and not every other morning?" And back and forth it would go until I go brush my teeth again. I am concluding since the brush was wetter than it normally is that I did in fact brush my teeth, and thus brushed them twice with in hours of each other.
I have also started to forget when I have eaten. I will be so consumed by work that around 430 I say, wow I am starving! And then I try to think what did I have for lunch. And when I can not remember eating lunch I say ooops, I forgot to eat. This happens quite alot. And because the season is changing to the dark and dreary all day long it is hard to judge when it is lunch time.
I need a vacation, a break, a chance to get my mind working again. In January when I am at home and settled in I can have my break. Until then I need a live in nurse to remind me when to brush my teeth and eat.
So Happy Friday the 13th!
I mentioned in my last post that I was planning a baby shower and a bridal shower that occur within 3 weeks of each other. I know ambitious but I have no choice. As well as making frequent trips to the party store, we are all getting ready for the big deployment in January. All of us are going home and there are major arrangements that have to be made. As far as getting things packed and stored, and all the legal arrangements and pet travel arrangements. Arrangements being the key word. I have been needless to say pulled in many directions.
And my mind has started to go. Yesterday after lunch I struggled to remember if I had brushed my teeth that morning. I started out saying yeah, of course I remember doing it. But then the little thought would creep into my mind, "Are you sure you remember brushing your teeth THIS morning and not every other morning?" And back and forth it would go until I go brush my teeth again. I am concluding since the brush was wetter than it normally is that I did in fact brush my teeth, and thus brushed them twice with in hours of each other.
I have also started to forget when I have eaten. I will be so consumed by work that around 430 I say, wow I am starving! And then I try to think what did I have for lunch. And when I can not remember eating lunch I say ooops, I forgot to eat. This happens quite alot. And because the season is changing to the dark and dreary all day long it is hard to judge when it is lunch time.
I need a vacation, a break, a chance to get my mind working again. In January when I am at home and settled in I can have my break. Until then I need a live in nurse to remind me when to brush my teeth and eat.
So Happy Friday the 13th!
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