it WILL be ok

*optional soundtrack for today's post


We want what we want when we want it without out mayo and tomatoes.

A couple of weeks ago we were having unseasonable warm weather and people groaned because it is January. But a month ago when it was cool the same people groaned because it was "too cold". Either we complain about no seasons or the change in seasons, no matter what it is never just right.

Change is like that.
Some changes are painful, push and tug at you.
Some changes are slow and natural.
Some changes are violent.
Some changes are exciting and welcomed after celebratory dinners and hopefully cake.

It would be nice if all change was easy and desired, but most change is difficult.

This week I expected to be struggling with the pain of missing MeeMaw, especially today. Yet, I am surprised with the peace of today. I miss her a lot-- MeeMawisms, and MeeMaw treats, MeeMaw news and MeeMaw smell.

Something about her death changed me.
I watched her fight and desire life so intently. And I listened to her wisdom while she faced death.
Timing is something I am not good at but God is. I lost MeeMaw a year ago, but gained a part of myself. And I will never go back to fearing life. I will always desire and fight for a good life, be fearless of change, and take advantage of time.

She told me over and over not to be sad as her little body gave out, that everything will be ok.

And it is.
Everything is not the same.
But everything is ok and just as it should be.

92

Today is MeeMaw's birthday. It is an easy one to remember, December 19, 1919. I wonder if this date will always be MeeMaw's birthday to me.

It is shocking that it has already been a year. In some ways it feels like she is still here. I love all her little ceramics and paintings that fill my day; a desert scene in our bedroom, her stork picture in the living room, lighthouse in the sun room and funny orange caterpillar on my desk at work.

Her house feels so small. It was bigger, I just know it. The backyard and her garden - tiny. The house that had this magic and vibrance is small and quiet now.

The magic wasn't the house, it was the woman in it.

2009 -90

2010 - 91

holt street

I grieve in bits.
Small thoughts that open my heart to the hurt. I knew this would be difficult but I had no idea it would hurt. I have physical pain.

Holt St. was our street, our sidewalk, that backyard, those birds, her flowers, her house, our center. The idea that someday it won’t be ours anymore sits on my chest and I breath stinging short breaths.
The family has started to deal with her belongings. I cannot bear this for it is rooted in a reality I just want to pretend isn’t there. But it is reality. We are temporary. Even this house that has been hers my entire existence is temporary. I haven’t been in the house yet. I can’t comprehend that she isn’t inside.

Last night I took home a bowl I had made for her.
It is one of those horrible memories you wish you could wash away.
The ride home
her bowl in my lap
catching tears.

MeeMaw made me two ceramic kitties. In a move or in some idiotic haste they have been lost. And I feel sick. David says not to beat myself up. But how? I know she wouldn’t care, but I care. I want them. She made them for me, and scratched FB on the bottom, or maybe it is F.B.

Today I grieve these small pieces.

yours Truly

This Valentine's Day my mailbox is empty for the first time. MeeMaw always sent a handcrafted Valentine, even after her eyesight started to fail. I saved most of them, some of them have started to fall apart some of them haven been lost.

But I have these words to hold on to.

I love you too...




A look at my valentines -- Happy Valentine's & Love

Of show'rs and sunshine

(title is quoted from Alexander Pope. Oh Brit Lit)

Reading is quite a distraction from the difficult reality that is setting in- small intruding moments that slip in, sting and linger. They are little things, feelings of waiting for The MeeMaw Report in the morning, or forgetting for a moment that she isn’t in her little house listening to the radio, the first Sunday back at church without her, or remembering her last “meal” of hot chocolate and melted Jell-O.

Along N Braeswood near Greenwillow, there was a water fountain topped with an armadillo. As a child I was a little obsessed with this armadillo. Right around Christmas Mr. Armadillo was taken, removed or stolen. I don’t know why this makes me sad but it does. I think of MeeMaw every time I see it’s missing. For 25 years I purposefully looked for that armadillo, and today I purposefully look away.

I read (or attempted to) at her funeral. It wasn’t the beautiful reading I imagined, but rather the tender reading she deserved. I wish desperately I were more like her.

The past few weeks I have been forced to ask for help- something I hate to do. I cringe when I admit that I can't do it all, bear it all, understand it ALL. How prideful. :/

Logically I tell myself, "Self, you can not do this on your own. Self, don't say you are 'ok' if you are not." I know there is a time to mourn, I do not have to feel peace in every moment. And I know that it is impossible to carry the weight of all things on my own. I know it, but I still feel all icky. (Thank you out there for all this help that I know I need, but am too stubborn to ask for, and your giving it anyway.)

In review:

I am enjoying Galeano’s Memory of Fire trilogy, and wish I had time to read it pleasurably. In order not to say anything negative about Brit Lit, I choose to say nothing at all. :)

This week:

Our Town- Wilder

Century of the Wind- Galeano

An Essay on Projects; Shortest Way with the Dissenters; A True Relation of the Apparition of Mrs. Veal- Daniel Defoe

The Tatler; The Spectator- Joseph Addison & Richard Steele

every string has an end

Dearest MeeMaw has gone home.

No words seem right except for her own:

"Every string has an end. We are fearfully and wonderfully made but not made to last for ever."

-Frances Lewis Bivins September 2010

waiting

A year ago I was just bouncing along, unaware of the life changers ahead.
MeeMaw’s birthday was a happy celebration.
I was healthy and took sight for granted
David and I had “our time”
My greatest concern was a woman asking me if I was pregnant when I was just fat.

And today we have hit the skid.
And spin in full, disorienting, fierce whirling.

The family waits for MeeMaw’s time, which is very close.
My sweet mother in law is ill and the family is making difficult choices about her care. Next week David and I will be her sole caregivers.
Did I mention I am reading 1000 pages a week?

I am overcome.




Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary. Isaiah 40:31

Trying to let these words sink in.

hydroplane

you do not see it coming
the black ice or blackened puddle

if you did
you would surely avoid it

what makes the skid jolting?
you did not know it existed

but there you are
dancing
together.

there's a hole in my bucket

Simply put

I am overwhelmed.

I keep waiting for something positive to blog about, but never seem to get there. Our hearts are heavy. I've been working non-stop just to try and keep my mind busy with other things. Been working hard at work, coming home and working hard for RBC. David was ill last week and spent the week taking care of him, because at least then the sad things would stay a little deeper, tucked away.

But they come out. As much as I try I can not keep them far enough away because it is close. I am overcome with how close and do not want to watch her go.

Discover the playlist blinding light with Immaculate Machine

a million things

December seems to be a busy time of year. that is annoying right? don't we all wish we could just enjoy the season? not quite so.

Finished

Somehow all of my finals and a huge work project were all occurring in the same week. I survived. That was two weeks ago. But it feels like I haven't slept since then.

Last week I finished 6 months of treatment for a medical issue I had way way back before the cruise. Finishing that was an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders. (Enormous is far too small of a weight.)

I also am completing physical therapy for another medical issue. Apparently my headaches were caused by a neck injury a year ago. I'm just saying this for all you people out there who are suffering from headaches- no matter what they say it isn't all in your head. After 1 treatment my headache was gone, and after 3 treatments I am shocked how I feel. I didn't even realise how much daily pain I was living with. Phenomenal difference.

Working

Christmas should come in November, before year end work. I am busy at work and happy to have a job I enjoy. But still wish there weren't as many late nights right before Christmas. There is something about being in the office when it is dark out that just makes you feel lonely, like the only working person in downtown. Hello??? (echo)

Nienty One

Yesterday was MeeMaw's 91st birthday.

We sang to her in church and I cried. I cried because I love her. I cried because I will miss her. I cried because I was so glad we had a big party for her last year (90). I cried because I only wish for a 92nd birthday and a 95th and a 100th. And I cried because how wonderful for her to have happy days left to celebrate. All that in one a minute long song.

We went back to her house for cake.

She is so precious to me and to all of us.

Flowers from her front yard. They bloomed for her.

The next couple of days I am determined to get in the Christmas spirit. Busy or not!

anayeee

The boys came to see me this weekend.

*Note the delusion in that thought, (a) the boys were brought, (b) they came to see Michael's family, MeeMaw, and MiMi (c) I don't care about said delusion, I bribed the wee ones with presents.

And not only presents but I play hide and seek, trick or treet, pretend to sleep (that's my favorite) AND they were on my croquet team! They love Anayeee - not a delusion!!

Brody

He loves to giggle, and organize- see those mallets LINED up?! Wow.

Dylan
A silly boy, he is a sweetheart! And he likes to frown in pictures. Don't you love that hair? MeeMaw
She made it out to meet our new cousin Jarrod. Congrats Elissa! She is getting married on Saturday.

le tired- it pours

The last several months have been an overload, the good, the bad, the hot, the heartbreaking, the joyful, the peaceful, the whirlwind, the sweet and cuddly, the cold and painful, blurry and sleepy.

I guess the summers filled with Family Feud, sleeping till 1, vacations to Grammy’s are long gone. Summer… gulp… is business as usual. Sadly. Am I a grown up? We have been so busy.

:: MeeMaw bought a new pair of pants this week. I love this. When my heart gets heavy at the thought of the future, she reminds me that life goes on.

:: I used to be able to say I am a fairly healthy person. These last few months have shaken me to realize that I might not be as healthy as I thought nor want to be. Sometimes you just have to accept the path you are on even if you never saw it coming. And yes, another MRI. I just can’t stay out of those things.
:: If you have been caged for many many years, when you are freed will you know to fly out the open door? I am getting ready to take my first flight out of darkness into the blinding light. And this will go down in history that sometimes you CAN win, sometimes they will tell you no, tell you it is impossible, but you can never stop fighting. Someone will hear you, someone will stand up for you, this time I did win the war.

“When nothing is sure, everything is possible.”
- Margaret Drabble

And now after an abstruse post...

A photo essay of the previous weeks.

and a happy land

Thank you Leah for preserving this memory.

Seeing the cover after all this time- a warmth washes over me. I will cling to this feeling.

make a mighty ocean

Little drops of water
Tiny grains of sand
Make a mighty ocean
And a happy land.

MeeMaw used to read me a book about a bunny who couldn’t fall asleep. He was afraid of the man in the moon, branches scraping the window, footsteps downstairs, he even thought there was a giant giraffe in the bed with him when it was just his stuffed animal. He asked for water, and his blankets smoothed. His mother explained the man in the moon, and gave him a drink of water but always finished with “Now go to sleep.”

I remember how the bunny looked, the illustrations of his imagined foes, his sweet mother tucking him in. I remember MeeMaw giving us two Pringles and a small cup of water before bed, to nibble on during our story. I remember The Sneeches and BarBar and Robert Lewis Stevenson. I do not remember the title of my bunny book.

Maybe I am preparing myself for the future where instead of sitting on the gold and peach couches sharing memories with MeeMaw, memories are all that is left and I cherish them privately.
I want to remember the title of the bunny book. (Google doesn’t remember it either.)

please please

Please pray for my MeeMaw.

I was going to write a mother’s day post about the wonderful mothers in my life, I still may, they are deserving of appreciation. But I need the entire world to know how special my MeeMaw is, how much of a treasure this woman is, how every moment with her is joy-filled.

I owe my artistic talent to MeeMaw. MeeMaw has the creative gene. She paints, makes cards, ceramics, sews (even Barbie clothes), she can reverse engineer ANY crafty project. If I ever get published, I will dedicate that book to my artist wellspring- her gifts flowed into me, I proudly carry them forth.

When my family moved back to Houston in 1988ish we stayed with MeeMaw and PawPaw for a few weeks till we could move into our new house. It felt like a lot longer to my 4 year old self. It was in the summer and Leah, MeeMaw and I played all summer. Sneaky Pete, Uno without the “mean” cards (MeeMaw never let anyone win, we were all winners and we all cheated), playhouse on the front porch and she let us use real dishes to make our grass soup and sheets for walls, she would help us play wedding, we had the best wedding dresses, slips for veils and nightgown dresses. Everyday we would walk down to Lafayette Park and Leah and I played Star Wars on the big tire swing. I’m glad I got to experience Frances as a MeeMaw.

MeeMaw has taught me what it means to be a Texan. Her vernacular is part of what makes MeeMaw fun to be around. You never know what new-deal-east-texas-c-of-c words and phrases she will whip out. She knows how to make biscuits from scratch; she knows how to make everything from scratch. The span of her life is unimaginable, how the world has changed, how she has had to change with the world. You never know what cultural goodies will come up. I regret not writing them down.

Faith is the foundation of this woman. She knows the bible frontwards, backwards, up, down and around. She knows it and she is it. She loves with the love of the LORD. More recently I have seen in her how accepting she is of others. She accepts differences in people, is quick to forgive when people make mistakes, and loves freely and unyielding. I will always work towards the goal of being Godly like she is; I doubt I can ever achieve it.

Needless to say, I love my MeeMaw.

I beg every reader to pray for her and her health.

1919...

Ninety years ago my sweet (and sassy) MeeMaw was born.

She wasn't born in a hospital.

The house she was born in didn't have electricity.

And she never had a birthday party! Ever!

Until her 90th birthday!

Saturday was MeeMaw's birthday, and she would have been happy to simply let it go unnoticed with a quiet family get together as we usually do. But seriously? Ninety? So my parents and aunts and uncle planned a little party for MeeMaw and her friends.

We all got up early Saturday and headed over to move furniture and work on "the flow." (word of the day) All the little ladies from her bible class came over about 11am. The family got together after the birthday party for a family lunch of fajitas... mmmmm.

It was such a happy day. But I found myself tearing up (I am doing it right now too). I missed my PawPaw, I wished he could be here, that David could have met him, that he could have seen the twins. So I tried to get off that line of thinking and then we started taking pictures, and seeing MeeMaw with the twins just touched me. I am so thankful for her, I am so thankful she is healthy and a firecracker. I would love for MeeMaw to be around another ninety years.

Ok. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.

Precious right?

** It was sunny this weekend!! ahhh! So the kitties took advantage....

And so did I. I am learning photography, on a film using camera. This is challenging to me, more than I thought I would. I want that instant gratification of seeing the shot right away. We went to the park and took some photographs.

My first assignment was bracketing- taking the same shot 3 or more different times to see which settings are right. I got some pretty good shots, some that I would like to get digitized.

I still have lots to learn, but I love doing it. This isn't something that comes natural to me, grumble. But the feel of the camera in my hands is nice, and I really like looking at the world a different way.

In someways that is what writing is to me, showing the world in a different point of view.

A Very Strange, not even white, Christmas

This was a very different Christmas. Not like any other Christmas before.

Our 12 days of Christmas

*David flew into Houston on Friday. He was FREE! I was still up in Abilene helping Leah test kids and prepare for the holiday week in school.

*Saturday I drove down to Houston. And it was a tough trip. My butt had not healed hardly enough to wear real pants. But I did. I was not even healed enough to sit, but some how I made it down. Although around Comanche, an hour in to the trip, I really didn't think I was going to make it.

*Sunday was MeeMaws 88th Birthday party. We all went to church with her, so she could show us off. Then a most delicious meal at Ninfas. And cake and presents at my Aunt Susan's house.

*Monday was our big shopping day, we had some more elf work to do, as well as be an elf for Leah. We went to Highland village, the Galleria and Rice Village. Oui, we were exhausted. Not to mention some other stores around my parents house. And we went over David's family's house to spend time with them.

*Tuesday was Robert (David's brother) and Dorothy's wedding party in Downtown Houston. The meal was very yummy.

*Wednesday was our big task of finding a bank and a storage unit. Ugh paper work. We went out to eat with Robert and Dorothy to Lupe's (angel chorus), and afterwards had a mini Christmas with David's family, R &D.

*Thursday. Oh Thursday. David got some warts removed, icky, and then our move started. You read about all of that below. That night I was just miserable, there was so much to do.

*Friday we packed all of David's things up, and went back to the storage unit to start taking pictures of broken stuff. We left for Ft. Worth around 4pm, made a quick stop in College Station to pick up some last minute gifts (elf work for Leah and my mom), and rolled into Ft. Worth at about 1030.

*Saturday was Bruner Christmas Brunch. We had a fun gift exchange, played some Catch Phrase and Mark had to go to work to be a police man. So we packed up again and drove back to Abilene.

*Monday we had another mini-Christmas. I cooked David a semi-home cooked meal. And we went over Leah and Michael's for a present exchange and to watch White Christmas.

*Christmas morning David and I opened up presents. Rigby played in the tissue and Abbey was peaceful in her hamper. I made pancakes and we drove to Midlothean for a Micheletti Christmas. And later that night we drove back. We were seriously delirious and spent the night looking for silly names of towns in Texas on the map.(Oh Noodle we thank you for 20 minutes of pure entertainment.)


Whew. It was definitely a weird Christmas.