Homecomings

I've experienced two official Homecomings and then so many smaller informal homecomings I can't even count.

I consider myself a veteran.
Spouses and military families sacrifice so much to support their service member. The years of service are hard, and Dp and I continue to struggle with transitioning to civilian life.

The military, no matter what level of action is seen, changes you. Training in the Navy focuses on mental strength, the ability to stay focused while on a boat for months at a time. Also, the majority of work that goes on during deployment is Top Secret or higher. I know nothing about what Dp did on his last deployment.

As a spouse, I was told by Dp's commanding officers to never talk to him about real life, only email him about positive things and never reveal any struggles from back home. This was to keep him focused. This also requires a level of independence and strength from spouses/families, and hardened me as well. I couldn't let myself miss him, if you let yourself think that it will be nine or more months before you see, smell, touch and speak with your best friend...that will tear a person apart. So I learned to shut off all those loving feelings and focus on my job, keeping him focused and healthy and doing his job. When your entire relationship is built on discipline and withholding feelings, and information, it is extremely difficult to re-learn normal. 

Our time in the military was "easy" compared to most.

This memorial day, remember the fallen. And remember the deeper and long lasting sacrifices of the military and their families. Because even after a celebratory Homecoming, some men/women can never come home, not all the way.

Thankfully, I had many Homecomings.

Flash Fiction: Veterans Day

What You Take

He clasps her hand and pulls her in close
lights from the deck of the ship glow orange and the normally grey Puget Sound burns in the dark morning
flakes float so quiet and collect on the northwest cedars and firs
they dance a goodbye with Coleman Hawkins
and with one small kiss he turns away
He is deploying today with a full sea bag



Very happy my veteran is now a civilian.
Flash Fiction - Indies Unlimited

sleep in peace...

For many years now I have been praying for our involvement with Iraq/Afghanistan to be over.

I can relive the first day of the war. I was cutting through the student center and people were crowding around the tvs. It seemed odd but I kept walking and outside heard jets from near by Dyess. My heart literally dropped. I knew right then we were at war. I ran, like seriously, to my dorm. (This was back when David was still a newbie in the Navy and I worried about him being safe. You kinda get over that after the first cruise.)

I was overwhelmed and devastated.

David and I had planned to be lifers. I was in it for the long haul. We thought that is what we wanted. But the increase in troops 'required' (he would be voluntold) David to do a ground tour in Iraq or Afghanistan. That was just out of the question. So we planned our exit out of the military life.

It has been a huge adjustment, a huge leap of faith. We gave up a lot of money, like a lot by any one's standards. We did a total 180 on our life plans. And it is taking patience, and perseverance to find our new place; how we fit into the civilian world.

How do you go from 2 fifteen minute calls in 8 months to seeing each other everyday? What is home and family when normal is 2 weeks together, 2 months apart? I am not married to an email address anymore. There is this living, breathing, (quite large) human being here all the time.

All that to say, seeing the reports that troops have pulled out of Iraq yesterday really made me think. Basically I couldn't watch it. I, for a second... ok the whole day, regretted getting out. Our whole reason for getting out was to save David from having to go over there like that. We have had to redefine our entire relationship. The Navy was hard. I never saw David. That is what I kept telling myself as I was thinking... "you could have stayed." Silly me. David would have gone, would have come back different, would have been in danger, would have been gone for another year of our lives.

Some part of me wishes we could have stayed the course we set out on.

Needless to say David and I are living a far from normal life. We have done and been and seen and are not on the road everyone else is. Maybe I just long to have a life like the people I know, the blogs I read.

Although, each path in this life is different. And I am guessing it is not a winding road, and definitely not straight. It is full of sharp turns, unexpected rises and steep declines.

I am overwhelmingly happy that this "war" is finally over. And can not imagine the joy of the military families as they can sleep in peace.

tick tock the clock has stopped...

Time is literally standing still at this moment, and not in a good way. This week has been never ending... and just plain bad.

:: Work has been a bear. Luncheons and projects due, and farming out my every second. And I have made some big mistakes, which I hate hate. I just want to do well at my job and have my coworkers appreciate the work I do and cut me some slack when I have a crazy week and mess up. Ugh. Not going to talk about it anymore.

:: Nightmares. Seriously? What is up with that?

:: This feeling of being on a really awful, drama-filled loop. I just want to get off this ride. Even if I don't end up where I want to be.


I am going up to Lewisville this weekend for Jeni's baby shower. I can't believe he is almost here! My mommy is coming with me on the drive; I am going to drop her off at Grammy's. The DFW express is leaving Friday. It will feel really good to drive again. My long distance driving kept me sane, sort of, while I was in Abilene. I miss it.

David is staying in town, all by his lonesome because he has a muster. I know, I thought we were done with this crap too. But he has been given strict orders from me, when approached by recruiters from the reserves, he is only allowed to say "NO!" If they continue to talk he is to plug his ears and run away screaming "La la la la la la la la la!"

Happy June people.

"Life involves a continual leaving behind of stages, of parts of self." -Larry McMurtry

This week has been one of those weeks were you just run around with lists trying to get it all done. And we have. We have been super productive.

David is officially a free man. He is out of the Navy. It doesn't seem real yet, and I don't think it will for a while. Freedom is never free. We have to take the first step and all the rest become simply one foot in front of the other.
David and I have been taking the overwhelming task of becoming civilians one tiny step at a time. This is the best we can do.

Life is so deeply uncertain for all of us. No matter how much planning goes into life, it will remain uncertain. I am aware of all of those uncertainties, which makes the looming new year many things.

2008 is
scary
exciting
a challenge
the end and a fresh start
burdens
uncertain
new
overwhelming
possibility

Ever wish you could go on a permanent vacation and leave all the work, and struggles behind?

15 Days

Create yours at BlingyBlob.com!
It is official. David comes home 15 days from today for the last time. It seems unreal that this is the end of that chapter.

David is on leave right now, here in Abilene. We are working on getting settled and having our lives change so much. I kinda feel like we are getting married and setting up our house for real. I am not sure what the last 2 years have been, but they haven't felt like marriage or living together.

It has really hit us that a civilian life is completely different, and has new challenges that military life does not.
****
All be aware of the impending arrival of the twins, my little nephews. They are getting so big inside mommy's tummy, and they are taking their toll on poor Leah who is struggling to keep working, plan for maternity leave, stay rested and healthy and plan for their arrival. I have been happy to be around to help out with what I can. But Leah has the hard part, lugging those two boys around.
****
There was snow last week here in north Texas. Glorious snow!

To see all of my snowy pictures click here:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=73953&l=fcece&id=683885327

Speaking of pictures...

My parents gave me and David a new digital camera for our birthdays. I have been having a good time playing with it and figuring it out. That means that the kitties have been my models and we have lots of photo shoots.

To see LOTS more pictures, if you are ever that bored click here:http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=62549&l=4dc22&id=683885327

On the edge of my seat

David is so very close to being home. It is a very strange feeling and the waiting is something I wish I could just skip all together. Imagine the most anxious you have ever been in your life, maybe waiting for a baby to be born, or waiting for your wedding day or something of that caliber. I am THAT excited/nervous/anxious.

I am in Washington now. It feels a lot better to be up here and waiting, mostly because I know I have no more air travel by myself.

Brianne's wedding was really beautiful and super fun. It was a nice break from the Texas heat as well. :) The airline did lose one of my bags but it arrived before I had to fly up here, which was very relieving.

I guess it is safe to say now, that the ship has left San Diego and is on its way up here, and David will be home by the end of this week.

Freaking Out

Well I am really starting to freak out. I leave tomorrow to go pick up David. I am going a little early. Me and Jeni are going to be each other's support.

I am very nervous. I have forgotten to breathe serveral times. And I pretty sure tonight I will not sleep.

Are we there yet?

The countdown has begun. David is out of the gulf, which puts my mind at ease, and they have started their trek back home. But this has always been the hard part for me, the last leg.

I am tired.
I am tired of being apart.
I am tired of 15 minute phone calls every...barely never.
I am tired of the Navy and what it demands of us.
I am tired of being alone.
I am tired of school and homework.
I am tired of feeling not good enough.
I am tired of being misunderstood.
I am tired and ready for a break.

I am sad that I have forgotten David's smell.
I am sad that I have forgotten what his hugs feel like.
I am sad that I have never gotten to really be with him.
I am sad that I will still have more goodbyes to say to him.

I am anxious for the homecoming.
I am anxious for the first hug/kiss.
I am anxious for our return to the civilian world that cannot come soon enough.
I am afraid of the transition time when David returns.

There is a wall, the last hump before the end. And I am tired and anxious and afraid. It would be nice for a little vacation to get me through it.... well not yet. It is soon. But not soon enough. I need a nap.

ps- I have a HUMMINGBIRD!!!

Oh Where Oh Where has Analee Gone?

I am alive and well. Although I have been mega busy, yes mega. And so since my cognitive ability is failing quickly because of many things on my mind, I enjoy little update blogs. I have a lack of creativity at the moment.

I found 5 gray hairs
So I have been studying pretty hard here to make it to then end of this on-line course. The mid-term is due tomorrow which is a big task and not really a midterm at all because it is due a week before the class ends. But he final is due when the class ends. Sooooooo, mid-term? No, 3/4 term. So I have been a tad stressed.

She's Going Going Gone
Um... I fell down the stairs on Tuesday, head first. It wasn't pretty. But I caught myself and didn't die or break anything. It is pretty amazing. I just scraped my legs up pretty bad and was sore for the rest of the week but Tuesday... not so much a good day.

4 DaysI wish it said like 10 days because then I would not be as freaked out as I am. I have 4 days till I move to Abilene. And my to do list is frighteningly long. I really don't think I am going to sleep this upcoming week, I will be packing and forty other things that need to get done before I leave. Just a little scary.

We have a date!!!So my exciting news is we have a date that David comes home! YAY! When they leave the Gulf maybe I will be allowed to announce it. The other bit of great news is that they get to go to Singapore and Hong Kong on their way back. We didn't think they would be able to and David is very excited about getting to port there. What a great treat for them. Also, we have plane tickets for our leave, which unfortunately will be spent in Abilene. So it is getting real that they are coming home. I am ready, but also nervous and anxious and scared, and excited it really feels like just before my wedding.



So that is basically my life right now. Work from 9-3, homework from 4-6, dinner, homework until 12 or later, sleep, repeat. This week I will add in vet, laundry, pack, and freaking out. :) When will it be over?

UpDate-o-rama

What has been going on with you Analee? Well.....

Rigby is fine.
Unbelievably the kitten acts like nothing ever happened. Much to my horror he jumps and runs and wrestles with Abbey. I know when I ask him, hey does your leg hurt baby? He says, whatever, and runs away.

School is interesting.
I finished Canterbury tales, hooray! They are pretty awful. Mostly I have to turn in e-journals (mini-essay tests), post a discussion essay, then respond to my classmates discussion posts. The responses have been challenging so to speak. Ask me sometime about how much fun it is to be in a class with boys... and reading Chaucer... cause it isn't...fun...at all.

My move to Abilene is fast approaching.
Only a few more weeks till I make the change to Abilene, which is kinda scary. I didn't get to stay in Houston long enough. I love it here. But I am really excited to get to hang out with Leah, Michael, Mav and Zekie Poo. Also, I got my apartment! YAY! Which is a a super big weight lifted off my shoulders. My mom is making piles of things for me to take up there. (all of my stuff is in storage in Washington) Everything I am taking is going into hospice care, these will be its last few months before... the dump.

David is alright.
I think we have finally hit the fatigue that comes with a deployment of this size. He just wants to come home, he doesn't want to be over there anymore, he misses me and home and the kitties. So if you can spare a couple, just pray that he gets a burst of energy to make it through the last half of this cruise. He was in port not too long ago, so we got to talk. Which was nice because it had been two months since our last conversation and it was time. I have some really exciting news which I can't announce on the blog just yet, for safety reasons, but stay tuned for a fun announcement.

Life is GOOD!
It has been a hard four years of my life but things are good right now. And it blows me away that I am to a happy place. God is good. And there are bumps and dark places in life but God promised a rainbow, and a new day. I am happy to feel happy.


P.S. The birdies have flown the nest. A week after my attack I looked again and they were gone. Fast little learners.

Go Away May

I am ready for May to be over. It has been a long long month. I went on a cruise, made a life changing decision, started a new job and a new weight loss plan (of course right?) all in one month. I have been to Jamaica, Grand Cayman, Cozumel, Galveston and Abilene 2 times!

Not that it has been a bad month, because it hasn't. May was great! But I am ready for June.

Part of my impatience is due to the fact that all I have left is the summer and David comes home. The summer just isn't coming fast enough.

I got to talk to David on Thursday. I was hitting a wall, that is what we call it when we get so frustrated, lonely and tired of long distance. Normally this happens if it has been over a month since we have spoken. Anyway, David stayed up late one night and talked to me. It is so refreshing, it is literally a replenishing moment to hear his voice, "Hey baby!" he always says.

I told him that I really forget sometimes that he is over there, and is this real person and not just this email. Yeah, I occasionally believe that I am married to a computer program. Hearing his voice reminds me that he is alive and floating around over there. By the way, it is really far away. Look at a globe.

 So I feel ready to take on the world now. One phone call and I am refreshed and ready for June... if it will ever get here.

A day in the Gulf

The Persian Gulf that is. David sent me a couple pictures of him while they were in port. So I thought I would share. They aren't the most Persian Gulf looking pictures but they were in a very wealthy city that was a major tourist destination before 9-11, Dubai. And so it is really nice, or so David says. He went to the gold and spice market but I guess didn't take and pictures of that.

I know it doesn't look like the Persian Gulf, but it is. This is David "taking a siesta" so he says. He could also be doing crunches.

This is him on the pier I think, that is his boat behind him.

Here he is at the Mall of the Emirates. I am not sure why he isn't smiling.

This is him on a "Beer Day." When they can't get off the boat for several months they have a "steel picnic" on the flight deck and get 2 beers each. Apparently it is a lot of fun, sometimes on holidays bands come and play a little concert on the flight deck. This time it was just two beers. And they cut of all his hair!!!

I only hear good things from David. They are working hard. And he is used to being on the boat. Being in port was real good for him, it is just that little boost to keep going. He has officially been gone 3 months, which is just a drop in the bucket, but everyday we get one day closer and that is fine by me. I miss him a lot, but I just get over those missing feelings and think about the good stuff. I try not to think about the past, the future or what we could be doing, I just try and appreciate him right now. That seems to work for me!

A Port = Phone Calls!!

Well David hit a port a couple of days ago. This is always very exciting. It means phone calls. I am sure we spend a ton of money on all of the calling cards but hey it is 3 months of phone calls mushed into 3 days.

He is happy to be on land and to walk around. Just simple things like fresh air, a mall to walk around in, sand and trees make such an impression on them. It has been a while since they were last on land, a very stressful few months. They work really hard doing what they do. But seeing the same people 24/7 gets old, fast. They also work 7 days a week with no breaks, so these port visits are super fun.

I am happy to be able to speak to him. I forget the sound of his voice. I forget how he laughs at my jokes. I forget how he rambles about nothing and I have to remind him we only have 30 minutes. I forget how good it feels to have my best friend, even if it is just on the phone.





I mentioned in my last post that my sister's friend had her twins prematurely. This family, The Phillips, still need your prayers, your fervent prayers. They lost one of the twins on Thursday morning.

I don't even know what to say. It has really bothered me, and made me so sad. God is so mysterious, and I do not understand this world and the horrible things that can happen. Sometimes it is so hard to see what part of this world is still good.

But I do know there are so many things in this life that are wonderful. God blesses us with many beautiful, peaceful, happy moments. Yet, we must also live through the devastating ones.

I really wish this world was a perfect place.

Spring Break?

Well it is my family's spring break. I don't feel like I need a break, I haven't really gotten started. But none the less we are headed to Galveston this week. It might seem kinda convenient that I am well just in time for fun, but really it just happened that well. I am happy to report, NO MORE STOMACH FLU! WOO HOO!

It might also seem strange that I am headed to Galveston. Most know me as a Land Dwelling Mammal. Well I am. I don't like the water at all really. I even dislike washing my face. Also, I burn really easily and so I don't like to be out in the sun a lot. And sand is annoying. So basically I don't like the beach. :) But everyone says I am going to have this really great time. Hmmm. I hope so.

I will give the whole story when we get back.


DAVID UPDATE
So David is doing just fine. He is busy and that keeps his mind off of the fact they still haven't had a port call yet. He wears lots of hats this cruise. He has some secret squirrel stuff, he is a part-time firefighter, he is his work center supervisor, and he has a vault that he is solely responsible for. Not to mention all the other little min-tasks they have him do.

I have gotten an email every day so far and I am very thankful for that. I often think about the days before email and how difficult it would be if we didn't have that.

I am doing just fine. I know that every day that he is away is just one day closer to him coming home. And I just focus on keeping him happy. So I work on packages and letters all the time. I miss him lots but it really doesn't bother me that much. Maybe because we have done one of these before, or that we did 3 years of long distance dating, but whatever reason I am just fine. The hardest thing is getting used to the time changes. :)

Going nuts

It seems like this moving process never really ends. We keep our little noses to the grindstone and it seems as if more stuff appears over night.

We have today to work really hard, after David gets off work. We are still working on painting and the last little bits of laundry and packing David for 8 months and me for a year.

Tomorrow morning around 4am I take David up to the boat. Another goodbye. I am fine with it. To me it is a means to an ends. When we get through this we are on our way to a civilian life. Where we eat dinner together, and don't have to do this long distance thing anymore. And if I want to call David at work I can. I will just consider myself lucky when he comes home to me every night. And if that means we have to do another cruise to get there, I am up for it.

The general rule on these things, at least from my experience, is the first few months are the hardest. Month 3 drags on, but after that it speeds up, it becomes just life. When they get really close, like the last month, that is nerve racking. I get super nervous and that month takes forever to get through.

I just am ready to be finished packing and cleaning and moving. But the good news is, my fortune cookie last night read:

You should be able to undertake and complete anything.

YAY! I will finish!

David is taking the laptop on cruise with him and my computer is waiting to be loaded into the car, so this will be my last post for a while. My mom flies in Tuesday to drive back with me, super nice huh? Then it will take maybe 4 or 5 days to get back. I am thinking that the weather will alow us to get out. There is still snow on the ground up here but the roads are nice. No ice anymore.

My next post will be from Houston, with my kitties near by and in my new home for a year.

Muy.... Excited!

Well I get to go to Houston this weekend! WOOOO HOOOO!

I am so excited, I don't even think it has settled in yet. I will be in Houston after an excruciating 10 months. That is a long time to be stuck in one place with no vacation or relief from yucky Washington. I am uber excited to see my family and have Mexican food and feel warmth. Oh yeah, I get a real hair cut too!!! Yippie!!

I am coming home for my Daddy's birthday. So everybody wish him a good one. Aren't I a good present?

Also, I guess since it is official I will mention that I am moving back to Houston in January. David is leaving for a 8 month cruise and so I have decided to spend that time at home. My parents have graciously offered to let me stay in their upstairs suite with my two precious babies. So we are all excited and getting ready for the move. I was planning on staying up here but then all of my friends said they were leaving and I wasn't going to stay up here all alone during the nasty part of the year.

And big drumroll...... David and I have also decided to get out of the Navy! So big BIG change for us. He will be done after he gets back from the Persian Gulf. With the world situation it was becoming dangerous for David to be even in the Navy. There were lots of threats of sending him as a ground troop to Iraq. (we saw one of our friends go over there recently) That was kinda the last straw for us. So by Christmas time next year (hopefully) we will be civilians!! I am unbelievably excited and ready. It will be so amazing to FINALLY be together. I will have waited 5 1/2 years and it seems like too long.

So that is all of my big news. Look out civilization... here I come!


ps-did anyone catch the Selena refrence in the title? that means you Leah!

Here today, gone tomorrow!

Yes, David is gone once again. But he was here for a really long time or so it seemed at the time. He will be gone for another month. It is starting to become apparent that there aren't many days with him before he goes on his "7" month cruise ( it could be seven, it could be 8 or 9 too.) It is just coming up all to fast.

Although I have said before I would rather them go and be gone and pulling in and out of port. It is stressful to have him come home and we have a mad dash to wash and mend all his clothes, get things done around the house and town that I need him for. And it is stressful emotionally. When he is here for only a week or two, it is hard to know whether you are saying hello or good bye, the turnaround is so quick.

This time, it was really hard because everyone else had a month and a half together, and they promised us leave and then took it away, and I really saw what a great team we are. Just the way we can cook dinner together and clean up and tackle all these tasks, all that made us seem like an actual couple that has time together. It was hard saying good bye to that.

I keep on wondering how I do this over and over. And the answer is David. I love him, toa point where all of this military mess is just worth it, for a week here and 10 days there. I stay up here for bits of us being together.

So he is probably going to kill me for showing the world his one weakness. But it is so cute.

ps- something else that is gone is summer. the sun and warm weather GONE! back to miserable seattle weather.

A New Look

Some of you may have noticed a new look to the P.O. Times or not. Blogger has updated the software and is now Blogger Beta. (This is some new trend. Itunes and AOL have all updated to "Beta.")

Really all this means is I can do more things with out knowing HTML. So pretty cool. eh?

I know not all that interesting. But David is home finally, for two weeks too! I was getting to my breaking point. He was gone May, June and most of July, then home for a week and then gone for another month. It was just alot all at once. And the consensus with all the other wives is we would rather them leave for six months and be gone then have them in and out in and out. It is a lot of stress emotionally. The adjustment period just eats up alot of our time together. At least he is home now.

So that is all.

what to write about? uh uh uuuuuuh

Ok so accuse me of not blogging if you will, but I don't know what write about. I have been really bored and since I have nothing else to say I will bore my readers with Navy stuff.

Since I arrived in Seattle, David's boat has been working on getting qualifications for their big cruise this January. So they have pulled in and out for the past year and basically gone down to San Diego.

This August was supposed to be the boat's leave period for the summer, after a winter and spring of not being around. The boat was in port for over a month, so everyone is taking leave and going home. The first chance since December to go home. Well, of course they would decide to send David to Nevada during this leave period.

So when David left July 28th, none of my other friends husbands went with him. So for the past two weeks, the people who I can out with to keep me company are busy with their husbands or have gone home. So I literally do not have a single friend right now. It has been lonely and boring. Not to elicit pitty, it is just an explination as to why I am so boring. Nothing happens to me except my reality TV.

So here is my TV schedule:
Sunday: Big Brother
Tuesday: Big Brother, Dirty Jobs, Real World
Wednesday: So You Think You Can Dance, Project Runway
Thursday: Big Brother, SYTYCD

see so I am obsessed. a healthy obsession.