summer songs

Is there another sound so indicative of summer as a mid-afternoon cicada chirp? Maybe a sprinkler or constant hum of an oscillating fan, but not quite.

I can remember the first time I heard a cicada, well maybe I should say my first memory of cicadas.

1988 in Brazos Bend St Park
It is another world to a little girl, something out of Star Wars, ancient oak trees dripping with Spanish Moss.
Be careful a gator doesn't eat you as an afternoon snack.

Leah and I were at Campfire camp. I think I was a Bluejay.
The cicadas sang their summer song in the hot still air.

I got the chicken pox during camp and missed most of it. I don't remember chicken pox at all. I'm guessing they were itchy.
I sculpted a small, clay bowl but got sick before I could glaze it. Leah finished it for me, pink and green, I was told. But a counselor painted over it in red and blue.

Still that chorus from the trees clung deep in my memory, tucked away in a file marked Summer Songs.

Spray

When I used to wash dishes as a small child, standing on a kitchen chair, pretending I was making soups and stews with soapy water, I wished for a faucet sprayer hose.

I don't know where this obsession came from, but I wanted one. I wanted to spray the sides of the sink and spray my sister in the face. Oh how fun it would be to rinse a pan with a playful spray of water and not a boring stream straight from the faucet.

This morning after rinsing loose tea leaves from the sides of my sink with a cupped hand of water,
I stopped and grabbed my faucet sprayer.
It actually was fun.



ps- our second house in Houston had a sink sprayer. it wasn't fun at age 13 anymore. And neither was pretending to cook with dish water. Although now when I have to wash sink dishes I do pretend I'm Cinderella trapped by an evil ogre. 

pps- what was my mom thinking letting me wash dishes so young? i've seen my nephews was their hands, they are anything but thorough. Did mom come back behind me and rewash the dishes? Did we eat off of 6 year old washed dishes, and if we did - gross.

crumbs in the bottom of the july bag

July was just the most ridiculous month. Busy and stressful and mixed in with birthdays and anniversaries.

July 3rd was our 8th anniversary - we ate chinese food and saw Much Ado About Nothing at the River Oaks Theater.

July 4th we had mexican food with my dad and went to look at inner loop office developments. all american deal

Sometime in July - our ac went out. probably like everyone else in Houston cause it has been so dang hot. we received recommendations for repairmen from friends and family and everyone we called wouldn't travel to our location. *we live pretty dang centrally located to pretty much everything

We were sweatin' it out and camping in the pink bedroom which happens to have a window unit. We have never turned it on but it works! and kept us coolish at night. But in the mornings despite icey showers I was sweating bullets trying to get ready and had 2 very important meetings at work - my hair wouldn't dry, make up was sliding off my face like icing melting off a cupcake.

• AC was fixed just in time for the SPI trip.
• On a positive note - if you've never seen a cat walk on an air mattress it is hilarious. Rigby liked to jump on it like a trampoline and Abbey was very unsure and took marching steps like she had tape to her feet.

July 21st & then some - I turned 30!

• It was the year of the sentimental gifts. My mom finished my baby book. I've been bratty about this for 20 years probably cause Leah's book was nicer and finished and mine had my name and weight. I've probably looked through it 90 times.
• Daddy gave me a necklace of MeeMaws. (geez I'm almost starting to tear up again) How I always need a reminder to stay focused on the joyful life.
• I completely dropped the ball on the 30 confessions. But last week I had an inspired moment and wrote down all the ideas I had, scheduled the order and nothing is going to stop me from getting these confessions on this blog.

All of July - This current project at work has been exciting and stressful and a lot of work and taken up a lot of headspace. Even on our vacation in SPI I was consumed with planning and strategizing.  I'm hoping this will take a backseat in August because I need some relaxing time.

Cat-update

• Abbey has been on the light food for about a month and feeding the cats two different foods has really worked out well. Abbey seems fuller on her food and Rigby seems uninterested (or unaware?) in her food.
• We've started feeding Wheels canned food. We are nuts. I think she has some dental issues because she woofs down that wet food and only nibbles the hard food. To make a box of box food last longer we mix her hard food with some water so it is a little bit mushy. All this for a stray cat. :/
• Aren't you glad I included this cat update? I'm sure in 10 years I will be interested in the eating patterns of our felines.

2012 - unbalanced

if balance is the goal in life
2012 was unbalanced - we were focused on survival and it left very little brain space for living a well rounded life. But we made it through a tough year. Maybe 2012 should be known as the year of resilience



1- accomplishments big and small
*maybe I didn't DO a lot this year, but I have to acknowledge that I carried my little family forward through financial uncertainty, unemployment, and all around struggles. I know that I can take care of my family no matter what, and that is slightly empowering.

2-  pleasure
* #1 happy thoughts are my baby bears, love my shmushies. Love spooning with Rigby, baths with Abbey, and fishy/bunny/mousie presents by the bed every morning.
* Wheels - so happy she has gained weight and loves to sleep on our porch
* Pedicures with Mommy
* Talking shop with Daddy
* Opportunity for DP
* Rain!
* Twin Time
* Sister time
* Recently I noticed I have stopped calling Michael my brother in law. He is my brother. He married me (like officiated... he didn't marry marry me... ewww), gave me two nephews AND a niece, we get each other's humor, he gave MeeMaw the most beautiful memorial, and gets along with David. I'm so lucky to have such a great BIL.
* Fire pit
* Camping
* Mam's
* Niece! can't wait for her to get here

3- hurts
* financial struggles
* feeling off course and confused
* feeling isolated
* feeling unable to provide for my family

4 - forgiveness
Somehow I always ask forgiveness for the same thing - not being more for people. I want to be there for my friends and my family. However, I am also realizing I am too hard on myself. All my friends and family cut me slack, but I need to cut ME some slack and wriggle free of my web of "shoulds" that is, at times, paralyzing.

5 - thankful
This has been a difficult year in which to feel thankful. When you don't have enough, and can't see answers to prayers or peace in the storm. 2012 has taught me that you can survive with less, that there is good in everyday, and gratitude is a skill. I've had to work at finding my grateful heart, but as I have focused on the everyday good things more and more good has come to me.

6- Last thoughts about 2012
Not sure if the year was truly that difficult or if it was two difficult years in a row that made 2012 feel exhausting. Which ever, I am very happy it is over and actually excited about 2013. So many good things on the horizon!

Even with the inevitable dissapointments ahead, I am determined to grow, stay grateful, and be honest about what makes me happy and just do it. Going on adventure to find myself.



Looking back: 2009   2010   2011

Christmas Reboot

Well everything did turn out alright. I was so stressed out and just couldn't see how everything was going to get done. *Note to self - stop worrying, everything will be ok.

Bivins Christmas - December 27

Leah & Michael made it into town and Mommy pulled off a Christmas dinner while she was at work. And we did our fun present time together. B&D are so grown up and they were super excited about presents. Having kids around at Christmas makes everything exciting.

Andy's Birthday/Micheletti Christmas - December 28

For some reason I decided to do a mini birthday party for Andy and cook Christmas dinner all on a day I worked, in the middle of our quarter/year end close. Hence the freakouts.

Friday morning it was misty and cloudy and gross, and I didn't think the weather would hold up to ride the Hermann park train. But some how, the sun came out and it was nice a mild so we decided to go. When we got on the train the wind started to blow, and half way through the ride it was frigid air blowing on us. Funny thing about kids... when on a train nothing else matters. Andy had fun so that was a success. I didn't manage to get balloons or cupcake with a candle, but luckily it was so cold we just ran to the cars and went home.

DP and I went back to the house where the chicken was already in the oven. I made Chicken Supreme, rice, roasted broccoli, a salad with creamy balsamic vinaigrette, peas and rolls. We tried to have prosciutto wrapped pears but I tried a bite and spit it out. Terrible. I'm thinking the prosciutto was just bad because we tried to use it again on Saturday and it was just foul tasting.

We had worked days cleaning the house and getting the house looking acceptable for guests. When I know people are coming over all I can see is Michmansion's faults but it never fails that guests never see the cracks in the sheet rock and the wonky tile. It shows well.

It was kind of a perfect night. Everything was sparkly, all the things I worried about went smoothly, and Christmas was deemed special! After dinner and chatting, and a short nap for Gil, we went back to their house so Mary could be readied for bed. Then we did presents and had David's pumpkin pie & wassail. (David made his pie without any measuring spoons or cups, just a plastic spoon. Amazingly it tasted good!!)

Bivins/Micheletti/Bivins Day - December 29

Dp and I woke up early and brought Shipleys down to my parents. Then with the boys pumped full of sugar David continued to play light saber monster tackle. Me and Mom looked through old Christmas pictures.

It had not been easy to put MeeMaw out of my mind this holiday. I had planned something fun for her birthday but David and I were sick. (I'm thinking about doing it in January instead) Seeing pictures of memories made me miss her terribly.

We ate lunch with David's family and his cousins/Aunt who came down from Dallas for the day. And then we took showers and headed back down to my parents for our big Bivins Christmas. Lots of kids, lots of noise, lots of food. I know how important it is keep family traditions going. Even if it is one day a year, we have to keep the family together. I realise how much I haven't been careful to maintain relationships. I need to make it a priority.

Micheletti Sunday - December 30

How did I convince everyone to have breakfast at El Tiempo? Not sure, I am deviously manipulative. And it was delicious. Delish. Then we all went back to his parents house to let the kids play and let the boys play Ipad Risk.

After we dropped everyone off at the airport David and I went home and collapsed.

Christmas was over.

wanted: one grand vacation

I am so tired.

The day after the snoball treat I got a cold.

25 days later...

Saturday I gave in and got antibiotics. The cold only lasted 2 weeks but the EVIL earache lingered. Yesterday was the first day in three weeks that I wasn't in terrible pain. Relief.

And apparently Halls is now an encourager.

Oh and by the way David lost his job at the beginning of September. It feels like ages ago. We scrambled, re-wrote his resume and started the dance. Amazingly, he found another job at a bigger (hopefully better) shop and today is his first day.

None of this was dp's fault, just bad luck and bad timing. Which seems to be a theme for us lately. I feel so responsible for making him happy and successful. It is almost like a second job.

Therapist lady has helped me realize that we've never transitioned from Navy couple to civilian couple. I'm still doing everything on my own, all the worry and all the responsibility. It just feels like it is all up to me and David is the wildcard. I "know" he is here for good, but in a way I'm still preparing for him to be gone for a year. We are working on transitioning... you know... five years later. Really hoping dp having a real job will help allow me to let go.
*I chose that picture cause he'll hate that I posted it. Thats how I show my love.

Grandaddy continues to struggle with his health. So much of me is trying not to think about it, because avoiding reality is easier. So instead:

Gordon is a retired Colonel and I'm sure was a very serious man. But I hardly ever saw Grandaddy as anything but silly. He delighted in making people laugh. I love my grandaddy who would round us kids up for dinner with a made up a Come To Dinner song.

His laugh is like this: Ho ho he he he he. I can hear it, can you?

Man it is hard.

I did a little craft project this weekend, cause I needed some fall happiness and of course it had to do with my kitties. I love them!!

I especially love their little hineys. You dont know them so you don't really know that this is the most accurate depiction of their tails. But it is.

All you need to know about Wheels, Rigby and Abbey is right there.

momma's boy

Mary is a sweet soul. Sometimes when I am taking care of her I wonder if I am making her happy, and then she will smile or look at me and say "girl!" (I think this is her recognising me).

I know watching her Mary-ness slip away is so difficult for David and Gil. Unfortunately I did not know the "Mary" Dp grew up with. Sometimes I will see a quiet, slightly nerdy, woman and ask Dp if she is like his mom. It is my way of getting to know her.

Mary is a lot of work, I won't lie. Thankfully she isn't trying to jump out of windows or rip door jams off the wall anymore. Alzheimer's is the kind of disease in which you are never stagnant, things are always changing.

She has a special bond with Dp, she trusts him, and is most of the time cooperative. (scroll down for a guest post from my very own dp) But I  have that woman's intuition which comes in quiet handy.

• I was watching Say Yes to the Dress (don't judge) and the groom dips the bride and lays a big ol kiss on her. Mary chuckled for several minutes. Isn't that funny?
• David always tries to feed her with a fork, it is messy and she rarely opens her mouth. So I suggest a spoon. Problem solved. Who ever got fed by tipping food off of a fork into a closed mouth? Yeah. No one.
• Her favorite thing to do is to slide down in her chair. You could pick her up and sit her back in the chair and 5 minutes later her back will be flat on the seat of the chair. This is not only dangerous for her but physically exhausting to lift her up repeatedly. So I put her in a camping chair. She tried her best to slide out but she couldn't! Slouch and scoot but no slipping out.
• I beam with pride at how sweet my kitties are. Mary LOVES cats. CAT is one of her words that she has left. She sees Rigby and says "Big cat!" Ha! just wait till you see Abbey. ;) Abbey was a tad afraid of her wheelchair, which is understandable, once the wheelchair was put up Abbey and Rigby both sat near her. Rigby was very sweet, I think he could be a therapy cat if he wanted to, plus he would look precious in a working vest! (an excuse to show kitten pictures)







Guest Post- DP

I have always been somewhat of a mamma's boy. I loved listening to my mom tell me stories, from King Arthur to Dune. now that her personality is slipping away I feel sad that I wont be able to share those stories with her anymore. I do, however, take joy when I see my moms personality peak out from underneath the blanket of this dementia. Whether it be her singing along with a Christmas song, or her randomly saying 'sigh' when my dad says a bad pun.

I will always be a mamma's boy I suppose...



make a joyful noise

Dp and I were trying to get the oven to stay on so we could cook some bacon wrapped dates. Don't we all love how trendy bacon is these days? No shame in loving you some bacon.

Mary started to get upset, which was somewhat expected for the time of day. I put on some relaxing Christmas piano music which she seemed to really enjoy. She got quiet and smiley.

Back to the oven.
Back to roasting eggplant.
Back to mashing potatoes.
Back to steaming tamales.

It started softly but grew. I looked and Dp, and he at me, and us at Mary.

She was singing.

I imagine God smiling, delighting in the joyful noise celebrating his birth, and maybe singing along.


Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all the earth: make a loud noise, and rejoice, and sing praise. Sing unto the LORD with the harp; with the harp, and the voice of a psalm. Psalm 98:4

lamplighter

I dream about my past homes frequently.

I will dream about our Bellaire home 6 times a year. I think it is because they tore it down and I know I can never go back. I also worry that things got left there; it was such a hasty move and what if a bag of stuffed animals was in the attic, or a box in a closet. I don’t have a memory of that house empty. Just the one. Mom and dad brought us to look at a house, I was in fourth grade. It had hardwood floors and a pond/waterfall in the back yard. They asked us if we liked it, and right there I realized we were moving.

Last night I dreamt of The Shack. I don’t know why I feel nostalgic about the shack, it was a dank little hole. I try and remind myself of the first year I didn’t have air conditioning… in Abilene… in the summer. Me and poor Leah painting every surface in the heat. Or the bathroom door that wouldn’t close, that gross, strange shower; the possessed fridge! Even all that and I think of me and Abbey in our little shack, and Sneaky the stray, all the windows and short walk to school.

I guess we all want to get back.

---------

But before we were dreaming, I was trying to fall asleep and my mind wanders. Rigby was already on the bed and we were waiting on Abbey. David can fall asleep instantly… my attempt to keep him awake till I get sleepy. :D

A-If one of our cats had a secret lair in the basement which would it be?
D- Abbey, I guess.
A-If one of our cats was a secret spy which would it be?
D-Abbey.A-I think Rigby, the adorable baby is just an act.
D-Like a Kaiser Soze?
A-Yeah! He probably goes to his secret room and wears a bowtie and drinks Cattinis- shaken, not stirred, and drives a tiny, gray sports car.
D-Maybe.
A-Is Abbey Rigby’s Q?
D-No, she is M.
A-What is Rigby’s James Bond name?
D-(some theoretical discussion on whether James Bond is the given name for the 007 position)
A-Who is the villain?
D-DunnoA-Maverick?
D-I guessA-What would Maverick’s villain name be?
D-(some long explination, he doesn’t remember this morning, about his favorite bond villain)A-Ok, Mav Blofeld.
D-Well if Abbey has a basement she is Q, if she has a penthouse apartment she is M.A-Which one is Moneypenny?
D-The secretary.

and a happy land

Thank you Leah for preserving this memory.

Seeing the cover after all this time- a warmth washes over me. I will cling to this feeling.

make a mighty ocean

Little drops of water
Tiny grains of sand
Make a mighty ocean
And a happy land.

MeeMaw used to read me a book about a bunny who couldn’t fall asleep. He was afraid of the man in the moon, branches scraping the window, footsteps downstairs, he even thought there was a giant giraffe in the bed with him when it was just his stuffed animal. He asked for water, and his blankets smoothed. His mother explained the man in the moon, and gave him a drink of water but always finished with “Now go to sleep.”

I remember how the bunny looked, the illustrations of his imagined foes, his sweet mother tucking him in. I remember MeeMaw giving us two Pringles and a small cup of water before bed, to nibble on during our story. I remember The Sneeches and BarBar and Robert Lewis Stevenson. I do not remember the title of my bunny book.

Maybe I am preparing myself for the future where instead of sitting on the gold and peach couches sharing memories with MeeMaw, memories are all that is left and I cherish them privately.
I want to remember the title of the bunny book. (Google doesn’t remember it either.)

please please

Please pray for my MeeMaw.

I was going to write a mother’s day post about the wonderful mothers in my life, I still may, they are deserving of appreciation. But I need the entire world to know how special my MeeMaw is, how much of a treasure this woman is, how every moment with her is joy-filled.

I owe my artistic talent to MeeMaw. MeeMaw has the creative gene. She paints, makes cards, ceramics, sews (even Barbie clothes), she can reverse engineer ANY crafty project. If I ever get published, I will dedicate that book to my artist wellspring- her gifts flowed into me, I proudly carry them forth.

When my family moved back to Houston in 1988ish we stayed with MeeMaw and PawPaw for a few weeks till we could move into our new house. It felt like a lot longer to my 4 year old self. It was in the summer and Leah, MeeMaw and I played all summer. Sneaky Pete, Uno without the “mean” cards (MeeMaw never let anyone win, we were all winners and we all cheated), playhouse on the front porch and she let us use real dishes to make our grass soup and sheets for walls, she would help us play wedding, we had the best wedding dresses, slips for veils and nightgown dresses. Everyday we would walk down to Lafayette Park and Leah and I played Star Wars on the big tire swing. I’m glad I got to experience Frances as a MeeMaw.

MeeMaw has taught me what it means to be a Texan. Her vernacular is part of what makes MeeMaw fun to be around. You never know what new-deal-east-texas-c-of-c words and phrases she will whip out. She knows how to make biscuits from scratch; she knows how to make everything from scratch. The span of her life is unimaginable, how the world has changed, how she has had to change with the world. You never know what cultural goodies will come up. I regret not writing them down.

Faith is the foundation of this woman. She knows the bible frontwards, backwards, up, down and around. She knows it and she is it. She loves with the love of the LORD. More recently I have seen in her how accepting she is of others. She accepts differences in people, is quick to forgive when people make mistakes, and loves freely and unyielding. I will always work towards the goal of being Godly like she is; I doubt I can ever achieve it.

Needless to say, I love my MeeMaw.

I beg every reader to pray for her and her health.