done

I am finished with my school work, waiting (im)patiently for my grades. I won't feel really really good till my grades are in, and transcripts sent, and the registrar mails me my piece of paper.

I am not sure how I feel about the whole experience. Relieved. Happy. Tired. I haven't processed the full magnitude of this achievement. This semester has been like opening a wound. I was forced to face my baggage that I lugged around for years.

A couple of things

1. I was a crazy person for trying to finish in one go. It was
grueling and resulted in no less than 50 meltdowns. I can't even fit the thank yous into this post. It would be huge.

2. I have been ashamed of my college status for 6 years. I just avoided the whole topic because how can you explain that you didn't finish the last month of your last semester of college? (here's where my inner thoughts kick in) I assumed people would think I was "stupid" or less in someway. Having school completed... I can't even find words to say how I feel....I no longer have to hang my head. Powerful moment.

3. Baggage.
This is my story, and I want my readers to hear an authentic me.I am too aware of how the world views mental illness and it isn't with an accepting, open mind. What happened to me at ACU just did, but the painful part is the lack of caring for me afterwards. For them it was one day in my life, but for me I was thrown onto a different track. I am not living the life I would have, I am not the same person I was. There is an insensitivity to emotional and mental issues, we brush people aside as "full of excuses" or "overly sensitive." In reality there are certain pains that affect the entire person.

Last year, I was diagnosed with PTSD due to my experience while at college. Only then did someone agree to find a way for me to finish my degree. I fought for 5 years, tried too many times to finish in Abilene and every time I failed I was more ashamed than before. I catch myself wondering how my life could be different if someone had diagnosed me sooner, if anyone had validated these feelings I was having.

Now,by some gift,I can begin to lay this burden down.


So, completing this semester was "important" for me. I struggled with the work load, I struggled internally convincing myself I could do this and I wouldn't fail again, and I struggled with memories of the past that never seem to fade completely.

And I am not sure how else to say -- I am done.
hard

incomplete thoug...

:: in the twenties. i feel like i wont exist in april, but at least it's only just 3 weeks more of it. that is totally do able.
:: chicks ducks and bunnies should switch out blue for yellow. if you do not know what chicks ducks and bunnies are... you can not call yourself a lover of sweets as it is well known that Easter is the best holiday for candy.

:: i love my british lit teacher. i want to adopt him. he uses a typewriter. i witnessed it. presh. i forgive him for making me read the dirty brits.
:: chobani update- so far peach and pineapple are the best flavors. i froze a cherry and it was yumo. <:>
:: if i didn't know it before... stress eats my body alive, except the 15lbs i've gained this last year. for some reason it won't eat that.
<:>

38

I'm ready to lie down on my therapist's couch and unload...
What is the punishment for failing Lent? I would love to tell you that I haven't been complaining but the last two weeks... ok, I admit it. I complained. A lot. And well I haven't been to church. Thankful there is grace.
4-1-1+1-1 A month or so ago, one of my team members went on maternity leave. A couple of weeks ago another team member was on bereavement leave, but he came back just in time for my other team member to quit. If I spend anymore time at work, I might die. What? I'm feeling melodramatic today.
Wanted: Wanted! One nanny for small baby kitten- age 5 years. Skills required: sitting, snuggling, resting, sunning, petting, brushing, some kissing, singing and napping. Poor baby is lonely and needs a human companion. He misses me and is very clingy.
38 days I can't believe I made it into the 30s. Could be spared April? There is just no time. Honestly, I haven't been reading this week, I'm behind. I don't even know what I should be reading. I'm in the weeds.
Suck it up! Last weekend we noticed some fleas on the wee ones, probably from us tracking them inside. So we knew we had to clean up the awful mess in our house. So we got everything off the floor in the bedroom, vacuumed under the bed, the office is not covered in junk (it is very disorienting). We went through two vacuum bags.
The departed 9 We tried getting neon tetras. We are fish killers. The 8 cuties died, instantly upon entry into our Tank of Death.
I am deeply saddened by the death of Mike Schnail. He was loved and is buried in backyard. Cause of death unknown.



After that, what can I say? A bad bad streak.

me-reader 44

I have 44 days left. Wooo!

Amost a year ago I started a six month treatment of meds that wrecked my body. I had so many issues, the most difficult was fatigue. My body was just d-o-n-e. I couldn't imagine feeling "alive" again.

I've noticed in the past month or so all this energy, wow, where did this come from. I don't walk in the door and get straight into bed.

Next step is to have TIME to mix in with this energy and see what great things can come of it. A month and a half, tee hee.

What I am reading this week:
The Storyteller- Mario Vargas Llosa
Glengary Glen Ross
John Gray- poetry; The Beggar's Opera
Eliza Fowler Haywood- Fantomina
Stephen Duck- The Thresher's Labour
Mary Collier- The Woman's Labour
William Hogarth- Rake's Progress; Harlot's Progress


And still working on that thesis. I'm accepting ideas.

67

A countdown probably isn't the most mature way to look at this semester. However, it gives me perspective.

I am convinced that the "devil" or whatever you call it does not want me to succeed. I have felt him trying his very best to derail me again. But it isn't going to work this time. I just want the Evil One to know that.

In May, in 67 days, I plan on excessive sleeping and watching brain rotting television to the point that I am not recognizable as a person and taking a serious break from reading anything.

What I am reading this week...

• Of Love and Other Demons- Gabriel Garcia Marquez
• The Heroic Couplet, Essay on Criticism, Windsor Forest, Eloisa to Abelard- Pope
• Gulliver's Travels (I haven't finished this one...)
• The Gentleman's Magazine
• V****a Monologues-Eve Ensler-- already read this. It is more than you think it will be. It was very very good.

81 days

A couple of things-

THE. CHRISTMAS TREE. IS. DOWN!!!!
*joyful chorus*
all of the Christmas decor is put up, I think, but aren't there always stragglers?

The chair
poor unfinished chair. Remember? I understand if you don't. It was a month ago that I swore I would finish it. Now that the tree is gone the chair (unfinished) can go to it's spot. I will say that my talented mother, finished the recovering part oh a month ago. It waits for a second coat of paint on the arms and legs. But Rigby has already enjoyed sitting in it.

Warming up
David bought me an electric throw, I guess if you call it a throw and not a blanket it will be 60 bucks cheaper. Well, the truth is my throw has been stolen, by a very warm kitten. Rigby Buttons has spent a total of 5 minutes off that blanket in the last week. He loves it. At night, he lets me share. (Picture- this morning)

Cake
So I had a meltdown this weekend when none of my clothes fit me. Has anyone else been there when every single pair of paints is magically 2 sizes too small. I saw my shadow a couple days ago and didn't recognise my butt- it has it's own shadow.
I consoled myself by eating a cupcake.

Breather
I get a small reading break this week. I have TWO weeks to read
Gulliver Travels
Buried Mirror- Fuentes
Street Car- Williams

Did you see that tiny list? It's so small. But what kind of professors would they be if I didn't have papers. I have to work on papers during this leisurely read. Two novels and a play in two weeks? Easy peasy lemon squeezy

In Review--
Our Town- not the play I wanted to read two weeks after my MeeMaw died. There were tears
Century of the Wind- Glad this series is over. History intensive, very interesting. If you have a soft spot in your heart for Communists this is the volume to read. he he
I'm taking my mom's advice and not letting the small stuff get to me. I have one job (well 2) for the next 81 days and that is to read/write. The house may be a giant wreck and filled with unfinished projects, and well I can't fit into my clothes, and I look tired and haggard. Four months.
Living will resume shortly...

teenie weenie vs read-a-saurus

Meet Teenie Weenie the Appeteaser kin to Teenie Sardini.

Teenie Weenie is Abbey's most best friend forever and ever. She would marry Teenie Weenie if she could. She loves to rip his ears and feet off, and steal new Teenie Weenies from her stocking, and hide them in the closet, or in shoes, or nap with him- resting her chin on her weenie pillow.

Early Sunday morning there was an uproarious chorus from the living room, and the hall, and the pink bedroom and lots of click click-clop clop-scratch-sliiiiide (kitty nails tearing up and down the hall). Now this is somewhat common. Some evenings or early mornings, we hear a glottal call from Abbey and then she appears with a "mouse" in the bedroom. This morning, this we knew. It was a call for Teenie Weenie.

ME IS READ-A-SAURUS!! ROAR!!!!

Sigh. Brain. Dead. No. Workie.

In review- Galeno is great. I do wish I was pleasure reading though- when someone is making me do it, I get a little definant. (personality flaw) If you love history or Latin American culture this is fantastic. Triffels was also great- short and sweet and amazing that it was written (gasp published!) in 1916 by a woman! If you care to read it- click here or want to know about Ms. Susan Glaspell. I also forgot to say that we read Octavio Paz's Mexico and the United States- this is an interesting look at the way Mexico has treated their Native Americans vs us.

This week...

Machinal- Sophie Treadwell

Faces and Masks- Galeano

Part 2 of the trillogy

Absalon and Achitophel, Alexander's Feast, Ann Killgrew, A Song for St. Cecelia's Day Ode- Dreyden

Poetry of Ann Finch

Cooper's Hill- Sir John Denham

A Serious Proposal to the Ladies for the Advancement of their True and Greatest Interest, By a Lover of her Sex- Mary Astell

The Essay on Man- Alexander Pope

I keep trying to think of myself as the Cookie Monster's cousin- Literature Monster. Reading! yum yum yum yum yum

21

So the weekend was a bust. I had great intentions but well life got in the way. It is in fact still Christmas in my house. Maybe I will get it put up by Easter. And the chair is waiting patiently to be finished. Fun will have to wait because...


Tuesday I started classes again. I have 21 books for 3 classes. That is a clear indication of the amount that I will be reading over the next four months.


This week:


Genesis- Eduardo Galeano
So far this is fascinating. Galeano has gathered mythology and other tales as told by Latin American Indians. (I now know why women have a menses)



Diary of Samuel Pepys
Ok. I don't like British Lit I don't like British Lit I don't like British Lit. There. I won't complain about it anymore this semester.
I haven't started this, but I'm hoping there is a steamy passage about 7 min in heaven?!


Selected Rochester Poems
Haven't gotten to this yet either... I'm procrastinating. I've read that he swears quite a bit and well that is a tad bit cool. Although they are probably bland English cuss words like "bloody."


Trifles-Susan Glaspell
American (female!) playwright. Mystery. Excited to read this one.


So amidst the aforementioned "life" I will be reading, a lot, all the time, and quickly.

slide down my rainbow slide

It is my last free weekend.

Goodbye TV -- hello literature... lots and lots of litterature. The book count is up to 9 so far. I'll just say it, I'm insane. I already know this. But I'm also ambitious. Dangerous mix.

Being that this is my final weekend I'm going to blow it up.

De-Christmas the house
Finish Chair -paint chair legs

Pie in the Sky
Russ Pitman
Gingerman

The short list. Who knows what else I will do. The world is my playground, at least for 3 more days.

bush meat

Physical Anthropology-
Sometimes when a student is the last soul on the planet to register, and can't find anything else to take, and even World Music won't accept said student, this poor little student ends up in Anthropology.

My professor is an animated, silly man from Africa which provides a unique perspective. Enjoy:

Last class my professor stops in the middle of lecture (Theories leading up to Evolution) to proclaim that he is a Christian and does not believe in evolution. He believes that God created man in His image, and that we are not related to monkeys. Dr. Professor is a Creationist Anthropologist.

And besides that he enjoys eating monkeys. If humans were related to monkeys he would not be able to enjoy "bush meat." Moreover, the zoo is a tragic loss for him as he cannot visit the monkey house without salivating, and the Houston Zoo has kindly asked him not to return.

get back to where you once belonged

Much like the rest of the country, last week I stood in line to buy a book, I walked down an unfamiliar hall, and stepped through an open door. It was my first week of school.

Reaching this point was a struggle. At the beginning of the year I said, ok this is the last time I will try and if it doesn’t work then I will let it go. Well I finally barked up the right tree and found someone willing to stand up for me, and he got the ball rolling.

It is very strange to be back in the student mode of so long. I am taking 2 classes this semester and hopefully 3 next semester and then by some miracle I will have what I was due to me five years ago. I feel optimistic and old. Wait I’m not 21?

Did you know?
* College girls all wear cut up jeans. And not 80’s chic jeans, like” I shouldn’t be able to see your butt cheek” jeans.
*Books are just as expensive as we remember. It stings.
*College students like coffee… a lot.
*Gladiator sandals are in. I’m the only one wearing $2.50 flip flops.
*It’s hard to find a pencil pouch. Doesn't anyone like to keep their pens organized? OR a super cute planner? Like this sold out one. :(

Updates
:: I know what I am going to do the nightstand and might get it done Labor Day weekend… maybe. (Still struggling with my China Dresser. Its wood is pretty but it is the same color as our floors. Maybe lacquer? :D I told David if we choose to lacquer he can rent a paint sprayer. He got excited.)

:: Um.. so I am on Day 2. It is the hardest challenge, as hard as giving up candy for lent. Except sometimes you don’t even realize you are complaining till it is too late. If I was honest with myself I would say that I complained this morning about Vista. But I really want to make it to Day 4. I am officially changing the rules to a 7 day challenge.

le tired- it pours

The last several months have been an overload, the good, the bad, the hot, the heartbreaking, the joyful, the peaceful, the whirlwind, the sweet and cuddly, the cold and painful, blurry and sleepy.

I guess the summers filled with Family Feud, sleeping till 1, vacations to Grammy’s are long gone. Summer… gulp… is business as usual. Sadly. Am I a grown up? We have been so busy.

:: MeeMaw bought a new pair of pants this week. I love this. When my heart gets heavy at the thought of the future, she reminds me that life goes on.

:: I used to be able to say I am a fairly healthy person. These last few months have shaken me to realize that I might not be as healthy as I thought nor want to be. Sometimes you just have to accept the path you are on even if you never saw it coming. And yes, another MRI. I just can’t stay out of those things.
:: If you have been caged for many many years, when you are freed will you know to fly out the open door? I am getting ready to take my first flight out of darkness into the blinding light. And this will go down in history that sometimes you CAN win, sometimes they will tell you no, tell you it is impossible, but you can never stop fighting. Someone will hear you, someone will stand up for you, this time I did win the war.

“When nothing is sure, everything is possible.”
- Margaret Drabble

And now after an abstruse post...

A photo essay of the previous weeks.

Ok. Done. What's next?

The mid-term is done. Want to see what all the fuss was about? Follow the link below.

Shakespeare: A webquest



Whew. Glad that is over with.

Oh Where Oh Where has Analee Gone?

I am alive and well. Although I have been mega busy, yes mega. And so since my cognitive ability is failing quickly because of many things on my mind, I enjoy little update blogs. I have a lack of creativity at the moment.

I found 5 gray hairs
So I have been studying pretty hard here to make it to then end of this on-line course. The mid-term is due tomorrow which is a big task and not really a midterm at all because it is due a week before the class ends. But he final is due when the class ends. Sooooooo, mid-term? No, 3/4 term. So I have been a tad stressed.

She's Going Going Gone
Um... I fell down the stairs on Tuesday, head first. It wasn't pretty. But I caught myself and didn't die or break anything. It is pretty amazing. I just scraped my legs up pretty bad and was sore for the rest of the week but Tuesday... not so much a good day.

4 DaysI wish it said like 10 days because then I would not be as freaked out as I am. I have 4 days till I move to Abilene. And my to do list is frighteningly long. I really don't think I am going to sleep this upcoming week, I will be packing and forty other things that need to get done before I leave. Just a little scary.

We have a date!!!So my exciting news is we have a date that David comes home! YAY! When they leave the Gulf maybe I will be allowed to announce it. The other bit of great news is that they get to go to Singapore and Hong Kong on their way back. We didn't think they would be able to and David is very excited about getting to port there. What a great treat for them. Also, we have plane tickets for our leave, which unfortunately will be spent in Abilene. So it is getting real that they are coming home. I am ready, but also nervous and anxious and scared, and excited it really feels like just before my wedding.



So that is basically my life right now. Work from 9-3, homework from 4-6, dinner, homework until 12 or later, sleep, repeat. This week I will add in vet, laundry, pack, and freaking out. :) When will it be over?

Junction Ahead

* I plan to be completely truthful and open in this post. I think sometimes we need to be honest to start fresh.*


Well I mentioned that things were crazy in my life, but seriously they are crazy. I think there are definite points in our lives where you can realize, wow this is a big moment! Other times only looking back do you see the significance of certain events. But I can definitely see that I am at this major junction in my life, and it is all happening so fast it seems.

I guess I should say that I have not yet finished my degree, a fact that I have hidden because of much shame and disappointment. I left ACU two years ago. It is a long and miserable story and I will spare everyone the details. But I will say that I needed a break from school. I had always intended to finish my degree but it was just a difficult process transferring to a new school. As I have returned to Texas I decided to try and finish at ACU, which is a big step for me because ACU and I had a bit of a falling out, I guess you could call it that.

Last weekend we were up in Abilene and stopped my advisor for a quick meeting. This is where I discovered that I could be finished by this December, which I did not think could be possible. My original plan was to attend the spring semester only. I really can see God working in this situation because things are just lining up so perfectly. But it was a bit of a shock and a big change in my plan, and it happened in a day, literally. So, I will be in school the summer and fall semesters and will graduate in December about the same time David gets out of the Navy. It seems fitting that we will both finish a major part of our lives almost at the same time.

Until I go up to Abilene I will be working at my church as the secretary/web designer. This also came about rather quickly. I am happy to be working there and wish I could have stayed longer. But I just believe I am being guided to Abilene and things are happening in such a way that I am confident that I am being looked after.

And now that we have hit the half way mark of our deployment I am starting to get excited/nervous about David's homecoming. And nervous/excited/amazed that we will be free of the Navy so very soon. And I have this strange feeling like all I need is just one more step and I will be this completely new person, triumphant and new, with nothing to hide or dread just opportunity and possibility. I am aware that life is never free from troubles and challenges, and also that happiness is not on the other side of anything; happiness is everyday. There is joy in a simple sun rise. But there was a time when I could not see any hope for possibility in the future, there was no dawn.

Yet now I see my self standing in the doorway that leads to a whole new world, and David and I with a great sigh and release of burdens will step over the threshold hand in hand.

I can not wait.