14 before 14 - Montana

Our forefathers had civilization inside themselves, the wild outside.  We live in the civilization they created but within us the wilderness still lingers. What they dreamed, we live, and what they lived, we dream.    -T.K. Whipple I'm sure other girls spent high school dreaming of tropical vacations or Italy and France, but I dreamed of Montana. Simply said, the wilderness still lingers within me.  History was never my favorite subject, it seemed so pointless to me. It wasn't till I studied literature and context that history became important. The history of landscapes speak to me, even as a strange little girl. A tree was history, a field of wild grasses and gnarled mesquite was a link to the past, and a mountain, well a mountain was history of a time I couldn't even fathom it was a deep connection to the earth. I can imagine people thinking, really? a ten year old girl thought all this? Yes. I was odd, and I didn't just think it, I felt it. That is my attempt to explain Montana to you and why it could be on my 14 before 14 list. And this week I booked my trip to Big Sky, Montana.

Tell me your heart doesn't skip a few thousand beats when you see Montana.... and I'm going there

Lovely photographer focusing primarily on Montana landscapes, Ryan Turner

things which should be said

I am re-watching Wings on netflicks. Hilarious!! Dp and I laugh out loud, not LOL, but how we used to say "audible laughing" before abbreviations.

Wheels has filled out so much from when we first felt sorry for this skinny, scruffly cat. I picked her up tonight and and realized her extra fat is really winter coat! She is the FLUFFIEST cat, like a marshmallow peep troll doll wearing an alpaca parka!!!! I squeeze her for two full seconds before I reach cat body. :)

Our sheets get so crumpled at night, but don't get me started on our evil demon mattress. Dp can always get them so smooth before bed. Fluffed pillows and smooth sheets is my love language.

Me and mumsie went shopping for eyeshadow this MLK day. It was like being a teenager! And we had lunch and talked about meal planning and cabbage, definitely not like being a teenager.

Abbey orders Rum Raisin ice cream, in my dreams. She also works as a occupational therapist for disabled sharks. After encouragement to turn aquarium Abbey into a children's book, I've come up with two additional jobs for her. One involves the Iditarod the other a herd of the last American Bison.

write and wrong

I write too much at work
some days I leave and during the jerky ride down the elevator have the feeling I have not completed a single thing throughout the day

I have written sentences for presentations, paragraphs for proposals, thousands of words for corporate to use in a larger document only to find out they did not mention Houston this quarter.

Since my goal is to write for a living, I see the hypocrisy of complaining about how much writing is in my job. the grass is greener. And maybe the dream needs a little revising.

But please excuse me, there is a white paper waiting on my economic projections...

2012 - unbalanced

if balance is the goal in life
2012 was unbalanced - we were focused on survival and it left very little brain space for living a well rounded life. But we made it through a tough year. Maybe 2012 should be known as the year of resilience



1- accomplishments big and small
*maybe I didn't DO a lot this year, but I have to acknowledge that I carried my little family forward through financial uncertainty, unemployment, and all around struggles. I know that I can take care of my family no matter what, and that is slightly empowering.

2-  pleasure
* #1 happy thoughts are my baby bears, love my shmushies. Love spooning with Rigby, baths with Abbey, and fishy/bunny/mousie presents by the bed every morning.
* Wheels - so happy she has gained weight and loves to sleep on our porch
* Pedicures with Mommy
* Talking shop with Daddy
* Opportunity for DP
* Rain!
* Twin Time
* Sister time
* Recently I noticed I have stopped calling Michael my brother in law. He is my brother. He married me (like officiated... he didn't marry marry me... ewww), gave me two nephews AND a niece, we get each other's humor, he gave MeeMaw the most beautiful memorial, and gets along with David. I'm so lucky to have such a great BIL.
* Fire pit
* Camping
* Mam's
* Niece! can't wait for her to get here

3- hurts
* financial struggles
* feeling off course and confused
* feeling isolated
* feeling unable to provide for my family

4 - forgiveness
Somehow I always ask forgiveness for the same thing - not being more for people. I want to be there for my friends and my family. However, I am also realizing I am too hard on myself. All my friends and family cut me slack, but I need to cut ME some slack and wriggle free of my web of "shoulds" that is, at times, paralyzing.

5 - thankful
This has been a difficult year in which to feel thankful. When you don't have enough, and can't see answers to prayers or peace in the storm. 2012 has taught me that you can survive with less, that there is good in everyday, and gratitude is a skill. I've had to work at finding my grateful heart, but as I have focused on the everyday good things more and more good has come to me.

6- Last thoughts about 2012
Not sure if the year was truly that difficult or if it was two difficult years in a row that made 2012 feel exhausting. Which ever, I am very happy it is over and actually excited about 2013. So many good things on the horizon!

Even with the inevitable dissapointments ahead, I am determined to grow, stay grateful, and be honest about what makes me happy and just do it. Going on adventure to find myself.



Looking back: 2009   2010   2011