plop plop fizz fizz

Oh what a relief.

Meet our two 60 foot pines trees.

Yeah, they are dead. And looming over my house, and my neighbors house. And for the past year I've been terrified every time I felt a breeze. (The drought didn't get them, they found pine beetles) Can you see Dp lurking? :)

Those were the pine twins last week.

And this week?

G.O.N.E. Just pine mulch.

A big empty space in the back yard.

Yesterday it stormed and I didn't break a sweat.

Bring on the rain!!

accomplishments

Does anyone else wake up, and while compiling the mental daily to do list start to have a full fledged freakout panic attack?

It's the mammoth pile of laundry, the hand towel that never gets put up cause I still haven't hung the towel bar, the old razor that is still in the shower and would take only 5 seconds to put in the trash but I can never remember because I'm thinking about the dishes in the sink, the stack of projects waiting for me at work, the walk I didn't take last night, and the bills that need to get paid, I need to remember my phone, ipod, makeup bag...

A spiral. And then I go to get dressed and don't really fit into my clothes anymore, and probably should add a walk to my to do list for today.

I'm sure no one else feels like this in the morning.... they probably don't snap at their husbands either.... cause that would be mean.

BUT! (yay there is a but!)
:: We went to the store this week and can stop buying lunch and dinner every day.
:: I went on 1 small walk this week.
:: We cooked dinner last night. Gasp.


Hope everyone can check something off their list today. It is such a good feeling.
mini

done

I am finished with my school work, waiting (im)patiently for my grades. I won't feel really really good till my grades are in, and transcripts sent, and the registrar mails me my piece of paper.

I am not sure how I feel about the whole experience. Relieved. Happy. Tired. I haven't processed the full magnitude of this achievement. This semester has been like opening a wound. I was forced to face my baggage that I lugged around for years.

A couple of things

1. I was a crazy person for trying to finish in one go. It was
grueling and resulted in no less than 50 meltdowns. I can't even fit the thank yous into this post. It would be huge.

2. I have been ashamed of my college status for 6 years. I just avoided the whole topic because how can you explain that you didn't finish the last month of your last semester of college? (here's where my inner thoughts kick in) I assumed people would think I was "stupid" or less in someway. Having school completed... I can't even find words to say how I feel....I no longer have to hang my head. Powerful moment.

3. Baggage.
This is my story, and I want my readers to hear an authentic me.I am too aware of how the world views mental illness and it isn't with an accepting, open mind. What happened to me at ACU just did, but the painful part is the lack of caring for me afterwards. For them it was one day in my life, but for me I was thrown onto a different track. I am not living the life I would have, I am not the same person I was. There is an insensitivity to emotional and mental issues, we brush people aside as "full of excuses" or "overly sensitive." In reality there are certain pains that affect the entire person.

Last year, I was diagnosed with PTSD due to my experience while at college. Only then did someone agree to find a way for me to finish my degree. I fought for 5 years, tried too many times to finish in Abilene and every time I failed I was more ashamed than before. I catch myself wondering how my life could be different if someone had diagnosed me sooner, if anyone had validated these feelings I was having.

Now,by some gift,I can begin to lay this burden down.


So, completing this semester was "important" for me. I struggled with the work load, I struggled internally convincing myself I could do this and I wouldn't fail again, and I struggled with memories of the past that never seem to fade completely.

And I am not sure how else to say -- I am done.
hard

me-reader 44

I have 44 days left. Wooo!

Amost a year ago I started a six month treatment of meds that wrecked my body. I had so many issues, the most difficult was fatigue. My body was just d-o-n-e. I couldn't imagine feeling "alive" again.

I've noticed in the past month or so all this energy, wow, where did this come from. I don't walk in the door and get straight into bed.

Next step is to have TIME to mix in with this energy and see what great things can come of it. A month and a half, tee hee.

What I am reading this week:
The Storyteller- Mario Vargas Llosa
Glengary Glen Ross
John Gray- poetry; The Beggar's Opera
Eliza Fowler Haywood- Fantomina
Stephen Duck- The Thresher's Labour
Mary Collier- The Woman's Labour
William Hogarth- Rake's Progress; Harlot's Progress


And still working on that thesis. I'm accepting ideas.

sleep in peace...

For many years now I have been praying for our involvement with Iraq/Afghanistan to be over.

I can relive the first day of the war. I was cutting through the student center and people were crowding around the tvs. It seemed odd but I kept walking and outside heard jets from near by Dyess. My heart literally dropped. I knew right then we were at war. I ran, like seriously, to my dorm. (This was back when David was still a newbie in the Navy and I worried about him being safe. You kinda get over that after the first cruise.)

I was overwhelmed and devastated.

David and I had planned to be lifers. I was in it for the long haul. We thought that is what we wanted. But the increase in troops 'required' (he would be voluntold) David to do a ground tour in Iraq or Afghanistan. That was just out of the question. So we planned our exit out of the military life.

It has been a huge adjustment, a huge leap of faith. We gave up a lot of money, like a lot by any one's standards. We did a total 180 on our life plans. And it is taking patience, and perseverance to find our new place; how we fit into the civilian world.

How do you go from 2 fifteen minute calls in 8 months to seeing each other everyday? What is home and family when normal is 2 weeks together, 2 months apart? I am not married to an email address anymore. There is this living, breathing, (quite large) human being here all the time.

All that to say, seeing the reports that troops have pulled out of Iraq yesterday really made me think. Basically I couldn't watch it. I, for a second... ok the whole day, regretted getting out. Our whole reason for getting out was to save David from having to go over there like that. We have had to redefine our entire relationship. The Navy was hard. I never saw David. That is what I kept telling myself as I was thinking... "you could have stayed." Silly me. David would have gone, would have come back different, would have been in danger, would have been gone for another year of our lives.

Some part of me wishes we could have stayed the course we set out on.

Needless to say David and I are living a far from normal life. We have done and been and seen and are not on the road everyone else is. Maybe I just long to have a life like the people I know, the blogs I read.

Although, each path in this life is different. And I am guessing it is not a winding road, and definitely not straight. It is full of sharp turns, unexpected rises and steep declines.

I am overwhelmingly happy that this "war" is finally over. And can not imagine the joy of the military families as they can sleep in peace.

For all those who are dying to know my hair woes and triumphs:

So while I was in Houston I got my hair cut! (Thank you again Darcy)

After a few days of hair shock and remorse, I love it. Every woman knows there is this process to liking a new hair cut. It goes something like this:

*Phase 1- Puppy Love
This occurs the day of, when you come from Darcy and your hair is fab, and styled to perfection.

*Phase 2- Remorse
This occurs the second day when you try to recreate Darcy's masterpiece and realize there is a reason she is the professional. Plus you don't have the right brush or "product."

*Phase 3- Hair Shock
This occurs shortly after Hair Remorse, when no matter what you do your hair just looks funny. This phase could last two or three days.

*Phase 4- Hair Nirvana
This occurs when your hair stops acting retarded and you get used to your hair being 7 inches shorter, and you think gosh this looks cute! And swear never to doubt Darcy ever again.


I haven't taken a picture yet of my new hair, my new hair is much like my hair cut my freshman year of college (seen in the picture to the right) but with swoopy bangs.

For all that can live without this hair overshare, I am sorry.

ps- all that nice weather I was talking about..... gone.