it calms me

Sometimes I get writers anxiety, which is kinda like writers block but narcissistic like, "can I do this? I don't even know what I am doing? What were they thinking letting me do this?"

Nothing new for me. In school, at my previous job, I always would sit down at the computer feeling inadequate and paralyzed by a general ACH! feeling. Would write about 3 words and delete it, repeat at least a dozen times.

And always when I am trying to bury that feeling in obsessive application of Softlips or drawing a pyramid doodles.

But what always gets my mind working again is this blog. Telling you a funny story about a cat or embarrassing David with an interpretation of a previous conversation. It maybe small, but it always works. After I click publish, I settle down and get to work.

Anne Lamott writes in Bird by Bird that she conquers this feeling (yay it is normal!) by keeping a 1 inch picture frame on her desk. Her challenge is just to write enough to fill that tiny space. That small box is less overwhelming that the expanse of a blank document.

Blogging is my 1 inch picture frame.
I just need to fill a tiny bit of this space to unlock what lies trapped under heavy chest, racing thoughts and sticky insecurity.




I also listen to Tibetan bowls, which strangely fills the quiet. Next time I'll share my I'm-on-a-deadline playlist which is very heavily weighted with a Batman soundtrack. It works. Really.

Out of the Cube: One Month

I spent the last five and a half years driving to the same building downtown and in the same cube, well when they finally gave me one. I remember being so excited I actually had a cube, and drawers and a bulletin board to pin pictures of Catasauruses and doodles.

But corporate life was hard for me. I can follow instructions, but not very good at following rules.
Last night I told David that I followed a recipe and then qualified that with well, not all the way but mostly, kind of.

That's me in to the letter. Great employee, hard working and willing to go the extra mile but resentful of rules for the sake of documented I-told-you-so's.

The initial plan in September was to become a freelance copywriter. To be really really out of the corporate world. I still might be headed there, or not. I like the idea of the career un-path. No lines, no ladders, just whatever opportunities come my way.


So I've been a journalist for one month. And I have lots of thoughts.

1. It is a lot harder than I thought to explain to people what I do. Journalist? Yes, a reporter. Like in the media? Yes. I write news stories. But just about real estate? Yes. And you write for the internets? Yes, like a millennial Kermit the Frog.

2. I am constantly battling self confidence and fear of incompetence. It is terrifying putting myself out there for the world to judge. I feel like a tiny baby reporter taking my first steps in a marathon race. Deer.in.headlights.

3. Which brings me to my next observation, this could not happen without the most incredible teacher in the world, my Daddy. Daddy what would you ask this person in an interview? Can I say this? Can I put a quote as the first sentence? But how do you know _____?

Where David spends hours trying to build me up and tell me I can do it, all daddy has to say is

"Stop thinking so much. Just get some words on the page and move on."

Just a month writing and I have more professional respect than ever for his work, his talent, his presence in this industry. He hasn't been with the Chronicle for 10 years and I field at least 3 or 4 emails a week asking if I know Ralph. Legend.

It makes me proud to add my maiden name in my byline. It is meant to be there.

Acknowledge It

Geez it is well into 2014 so I probably should acknowledge it at some point.

2013 Last year I took a post it and wrote the following:

Stay Grateful 
Change 
Just DO IT 

I couldn't have picked more encouraging words to guide my year. This is my fifth year looking back at each year and they are one of my favorite posts to reread over and over. I learn so much about myself.

1  accomplishments big and small
    *celebrated my 30th birthday
    *started drinking coffee
    *got a promotion
    *quit my job
    *got a new job

2  pleasure
    *Brynn Leigh Beth ♥ 
    *camping, hiking, breathing fresh air
    *vacationing with my parents
    *Kazoozles
    *Abbey's sweet kisses and tiny stampy feet
    *Rigby's wet chin and new nickname "Boogie"
    *Our friend Wheels
    *listening to B&D tell me stories
    *garden FINALLY survived
    *garlic press - where has this been all my life?
    *restaurant obsession of the year: Zoe's
    *candy obsession: RS Iddy Biddy Bunnies/Santas
    *road trips with Dp
    *youtube vlogs on the ipad

3  hurts and disappointments
    *Epicly Evil Earache
    *professional struggles
    *surrounded by illness and pain
    *giving up Montana
    *losing sight of the important
    *too busy to enjoy life, to nurture myself
 
4  forgiveness
    This might be the first year in a long time I don't feel guilty about not being enough for my family and
    friends. I am what I am.

5 thankful
   I have so much good in my life. a safe home, a family that takes care of me, friends that put up with me, a
   mind that allows me to amazing things that surprise even me.

Last thoughts
I wanted 2013 to be more than the last 4 four years. I set grand goals, and pretty much set myself up for failure. Because I was trying to impress something outside myself. When I stopped listening to what everyone out there said I should be my path became easier to spot.

Those three words on a paper kept me grounded, inspired and willing to ditch the fear and move on. Who wants to be trapped in the muck? I just want to keep going, see more sunsets, crunch leaves and gravel under my feet, find my voice and write, take care of myself and my family. I'm not quite done.



 Looking back:  2009  2010  2011  2012