done

I am finished with my school work, waiting (im)patiently for my grades. I won't feel really really good till my grades are in, and transcripts sent, and the registrar mails me my piece of paper.

I am not sure how I feel about the whole experience. Relieved. Happy. Tired. I haven't processed the full magnitude of this achievement. This semester has been like opening a wound. I was forced to face my baggage that I lugged around for years.

A couple of things

1. I was a crazy person for trying to finish in one go. It was
grueling and resulted in no less than 50 meltdowns. I can't even fit the thank yous into this post. It would be huge.

2. I have been ashamed of my college status for 6 years. I just avoided the whole topic because how can you explain that you didn't finish the last month of your last semester of college? (here's where my inner thoughts kick in) I assumed people would think I was "stupid" or less in someway. Having school completed... I can't even find words to say how I feel....I no longer have to hang my head. Powerful moment.

3. Baggage.
This is my story, and I want my readers to hear an authentic me.I am too aware of how the world views mental illness and it isn't with an accepting, open mind. What happened to me at ACU just did, but the painful part is the lack of caring for me afterwards. For them it was one day in my life, but for me I was thrown onto a different track. I am not living the life I would have, I am not the same person I was. There is an insensitivity to emotional and mental issues, we brush people aside as "full of excuses" or "overly sensitive." In reality there are certain pains that affect the entire person.

Last year, I was diagnosed with PTSD due to my experience while at college. Only then did someone agree to find a way for me to finish my degree. I fought for 5 years, tried too many times to finish in Abilene and every time I failed I was more ashamed than before. I catch myself wondering how my life could be different if someone had diagnosed me sooner, if anyone had validated these feelings I was having.

Now,by some gift,I can begin to lay this burden down.


So, completing this semester was "important" for me. I struggled with the work load, I struggled internally convincing myself I could do this and I wouldn't fail again, and I struggled with memories of the past that never seem to fade completely.

And I am not sure how else to say -- I am done.
hard