just today...

almost a month ago, a tuesday passed without notice for me. a date that has been quiet and gray. i forgot Juni's Day.

several weeks ago when i noticed the day had come and gone i felt a sinking shameful feeling. i was never going to forget, i was never going to be right again. maybe it is not shameful but a step forward.

as a child i believed clouds would feel like cotton candy or cotton balls. i can remember thinking i could open an airplane window and pet a cloud. but one flight i was crushed to see that a cloud is just air, and we passed through it uneventfully, and even if i could open an airplane window, the cloud would slip into the spaces between my fingers. this date in october is alot like that. i believed that losing Juni was the deepest cut, but it was just the final straw. and in mourning the loss of Juni i was really morning the loss of myself. i had gone from cotton candy to mist and air.

for five years i have been spinning and trying to take a shadowy hallow and refill her with myself... whoever that was now. but it took 21 years to build the last one and how would i start again? i don't believe there is a reason for everything or what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. life is some horrible, funny, joyful and painful thing. and being thankful for each day was hard when i didn't want another. but each day comes, like the one before it. the 'lesson' i have learned i would gladly trade in for my old self, my old future.

but indeed there is some lesson in all of this...
i know that i can not go back nor look back. i can only trudge forward and hope that the next crooked highway is filled with sunshine and less heartache.

when i wake up tomorrow it will be just that-- tomorrow. the day after today.