i think i am ready to re-assimilate back into society. i had a little bit of a freak out.
one day i woke up and realised i didn't recognise me. i had become an anxious, scared, sad person. a single world weighed on me - OBLIGATED. i think they call that burnout, a deep heavy dissatisfaction with every moment of my life.
of course there are good things and happy moments but not a one because of me. i was trying force myself into a mold. somehow in my head not fitting in = something is wrong with me = i'm not good enough.
it is exhausting.
so i just stopped all contact. yes, i understand that is "running away". but i am beginning to feel more like myself, a part of me is awakening and doesn't want to be stuffed away where others can't see. EVEN IF i'm not a good enough christian, or wife, or worker, or thin enough, smart enough. EVEN IF i don't want to be a mother, or a chef, or a crafter...
silly as it may be i was trying to earn people's friendship and love. until someone said to me "people couldn't possibly be your friend because you are interesting, fun or witty, right? they are just friends for the stuff." when she said it back to me it sounded stupid.
where have i been? being selfish for the first time in a long time. i do what i want and i don't make plans cause i like that feeling. i'm not sure where i go from here. i guess i find my own, unique path.
how is that for a narcissistic post?
1 comment:
When I do it, I don't call it "running away" I call it "on retreat" because it's OK to seek solitude while I rest, try to center myself, find the way I lost. It's OK for you, too. You are you and that is good enough. I want to be your friend because you're interesting, fun, witty, and, well, because you're you.
Post a Comment