It is Sunday - and I want to be at church.
The human mind is some kind of complex thing. I wonder how I am. What happened to me to hate tomatoes? And love animals? Is my house cluttered because of some childhood experience?
I don't understand how but I know I would be in a pew right now if I wasn't so dang afraid to leave my house. If the thought of people asking me questions about my life didn't trigger a pervasive armpit sweat like you've never seen. If the shame of not having been to church in a year didn't weigh me down and lifting my feet was too heavy for my heart to bear.
Can God understand anxiety? And shame?
I don't know why, but I still have hope that one day I won't be a complete mess. I'll be able to be myself around real, live, not digital, in the flesh people. I'll be able to be comfortable in my choices, my quirks, all the stuff that makes me different. I'll be able to feel light. And be happy with not being The Same.
But until then, I pray wanting to be at church is enough.
Cause I'm trying God. I am.
1 comment:
Analee,
I am touched by your honesty and struggles. I once looked up in the Bible how many times Jesus said "do not be afraid" or "fear not". I think it is over 100 (Michael would know for sure). But I take comfort in whatever the number is, because it shows how much He knows our hearts and how many times He needs to remind us not to be afraid that He is with us. Because, we are ALL afraid of something, sometimes a lot of somethings. But HE knows our fears and gently reminds us not to be afraid.
luv, tia
Post a Comment