sunday truths

It is Sunday - and I want to be at church.

The human mind is some kind of complex thing. I wonder how I am. What happened to me to hate tomatoes? And love animals? Is my house cluttered because of some childhood experience?

I don't understand how but I know I would be in a pew right now if I wasn't so dang afraid to leave my house. If the thought of people asking me questions about my life didn't trigger a pervasive armpit sweat like you've never seen. If the shame of not having been to church in a year didn't weigh me down and lifting my feet was too heavy for my heart to bear.

Can God understand anxiety? And shame?

I don't know why, but I still have hope that one day I won't be a complete mess. I'll be able to be myself around real, live, not digital, in the flesh people. I'll be able to be comfortable in my choices, my quirks, all the stuff that makes me different. I'll be able to feel light. And be happy with not being The Same.

But until then, I pray wanting to be at church is enough.
Cause I'm trying God. I am.

to church

At Christmas we recieved the greatest gift: starting the first of the year we would get our weekends back. Mary now has help everyday of the week and we just fill in case of emergencies and spend time with them as a family.

I intended to spend the first free weekends just resting. And surprisingly it is already the end of February.

We were very tired.

I probably should feel guilty for not being at church and nurturing those relationships, but the truth is I had nothing to give. I guess I was so exhausted it has taken 2 months of just mushy brain and body to recover.

However, now I am in this new territory. I want to go back, but we have been gone so long now it is kinda awkward.

I try to give up something for Lent, I've done candy, soda, fast food, chocolate, complaining, ect. 

This year I am going to add something back in.

I am going back to church.





Ps- I will probably keep going after Easter.

make a joyful noise

Dp and I were trying to get the oven to stay on so we could cook some bacon wrapped dates. Don't we all love how trendy bacon is these days? No shame in loving you some bacon.

Mary started to get upset, which was somewhat expected for the time of day. I put on some relaxing Christmas piano music which she seemed to really enjoy. She got quiet and smiley.

Back to the oven.
Back to roasting eggplant.
Back to mashing potatoes.
Back to steaming tamales.

It started softly but grew. I looked and Dp, and he at me, and us at Mary.

She was singing.

I imagine God smiling, delighting in the joyful noise celebrating his birth, and maybe singing along.


Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all the earth: make a loud noise, and rejoice, and sing praise. Sing unto the LORD with the harp; with the harp, and the voice of a psalm. Psalm 98:4

a time to plant and a time to uproot

I have another busy weekend ahead. I don’t enjoy being busy, but this weekend is a busy family weekend- no running involved!

Timing has been on my mind lately. Our timing vs God’s timing.

I was up for a job last October and I got it, but some people left our company and the position was no longer available. I was so disappointed. But if I had gotten that job I would have no had the opportunity for my current position. I really like what I do now and probably wouldn’t be as happy if I had gotten the first job. God’s timing vs my timing.

Its hard not to get frustrated with God and life when it just doesn’t go the way I want it to, when people leave us too soon, when our timing is so far off. Sometimes I try to look past the hurt of now to a time where all wounds are healed and all pain taken away. Sometimes I just don't understand. Today I just feel lucky for the day.


(and while my brain knows all this, my heart just feels and still aches)

A Port = Phone Calls!!

Well David hit a port a couple of days ago. This is always very exciting. It means phone calls. I am sure we spend a ton of money on all of the calling cards but hey it is 3 months of phone calls mushed into 3 days.

He is happy to be on land and to walk around. Just simple things like fresh air, a mall to walk around in, sand and trees make such an impression on them. It has been a while since they were last on land, a very stressful few months. They work really hard doing what they do. But seeing the same people 24/7 gets old, fast. They also work 7 days a week with no breaks, so these port visits are super fun.

I am happy to be able to speak to him. I forget the sound of his voice. I forget how he laughs at my jokes. I forget how he rambles about nothing and I have to remind him we only have 30 minutes. I forget how good it feels to have my best friend, even if it is just on the phone.





I mentioned in my last post that my sister's friend had her twins prematurely. This family, The Phillips, still need your prayers, your fervent prayers. They lost one of the twins on Thursday morning.

I don't even know what to say. It has really bothered me, and made me so sad. God is so mysterious, and I do not understand this world and the horrible things that can happen. Sometimes it is so hard to see what part of this world is still good.

But I do know there are so many things in this life that are wonderful. God blesses us with many beautiful, peaceful, happy moments. Yet, we must also live through the devastating ones.

I really wish this world was a perfect place.