overhaul

I feel a little like my life is out of control.
(cue dr hubbert chuckle from God, but you know what i mean by "control")

Lately everything I do is wrong
or more like I don't do/say/feel the right thing

Surely there are others out there that feel
inept at life
How am I considered an adult?

I spin my little wheels at work, jump up and down, say look at me! look at me! don't I do things the way you want them done?
And I never do.
I am never enough, or right.

You know how you feel bad about your body, beat yourself up for pudge, and jiggle, and then 10 years in the future look back at pictures of "chubby" you and you are a string bean teeny tiny itty bitty SKINNY person?
Um yeah I feel like that now. Not stopping all my emotional eating. :/ (someone please make me stop!)

But I also feel like that about our finances. Mom always said it isn't polite to talk about money. So oh well, breaking mom's rules. Since David got out of the Navy we've been on a tight budget, so I thought. Now every penny is efficiently allocated and managed. It is like holding your breath while running.
And I am tired.

I could probably be a better wife, softer and kinder.
I could be a better friend, a much better friend.
I could be a better daughter and granddaughter and I am embarrassed of my short comings.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me, maybe I am avoiding, or embarrassed or maybe it is anxiety. But going to church, or to parties, work or heck even to run errands just sends me into lock down, climb into bed and watch Netflicks for hours on the ipad. Gross right?

I feel this need to confess all this
as some kind of explanation as to why I dont show up and never call nor have blog posts of my kids in their Easter dresses and seersucker
as if in some way it makes up for it all
and friends/work/grammy/dp/God will forgive me one day for being a selfish incompetent brat


I'm waiting for a change in the tide. An overhaul. Painless refinement.